Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
How bad were the White Sox?
Three games worse than the Cubs.
The Cubs,
Who played like shubdubs,
Like scrubs,
Like Triple-A subs,
Who made each day a gallery of flubs,
Those ridiculous bubs,
Who gave their fans the nubs,
Who drove those fans to local pubs,
To drown their sorrows in bad beer from huge tubs
And eat greasy deep-fried grub
That hardens their arteries like cigarette stubs
And makes them all fat.
The Sox were worse than that.
After one of the most memorable exits in baseball history last night, today belongs to Mariano Rivera. As a salute, here’s a reprint of a poem from the nail-biting 2009 post-season. So long, Sandman.
When your son asks you advice on mascara,
When your head’s a-flame and your mouth’s a Sahara,
When that small, still voice inside prattles like Berra–
I’ve got two words:
Mariano Rivera.
When you’re uprooted and force-marched to some terra
Incognita, a dark, doomed hell where a perky Sarah
Palin is president and not just a chimera–
I’ve got two words:
Mariano Rivera.
When you yearn for escape and consider hara-
Kiri–Breathe deep, relax, don a fresh guayabera,
And watch the greatest hero since Before the Common Era–
He’ll bless you and keep you:
Mariano Rivera.
Terry Collins, manager of scorn,
was praying for Sandy to sign Michael Bourn.
Sandy got no money
from Uncle Fred,
Now, the 2013 season
is all but dead.
Yesterday, the Yankees lost their last sliver
Of summer sunlight by a score of 2-1.
Maybe too their bruised chance to play
As a wild card this October post-season.
In fan memory, it’s a far cry from ‘95 –
When the Core Four first arrived with
Posada, Pettite, Jeter, Rivera. Back then,
Yankee baseball seemed to last forever.
So it’s hard to draw fair comparison:
The present team limped but played hard all season.
Yesterday it came up short amid shadow
And waning sunlight, of the first day of autumn.
Mariano Rivera said it best after the game was over:
“How it finished wasn’t what I was looking for.”
Congratulations to the Bucs,
Too many years a team that sucks.
McCutch the likely MVP,
Good pitching and defense are key.
They’ll have a chance for bigger fame,
If they keep Clint Hurdle out of the game.