Each year, before the first spring training game, the late Tigers broadcaster Ernie Harwell would read these verses from the Song of Solomon (2:11-12).
Presidential Lox
by James Finn Garner
It’s tradition on Opening Day:
The Prez puts the first ball in play,
But with his miniscule mitts,
The Donald just quits
And tweets, “Baseball’s for losers anyway.”
Bob Dylan’s 2017 Forecast: “My Come Back Pages”
by James Finn Garner
Pinstripe flameouts through the years
As the vet’rans cashed their checks
Overtime for financiers
Signing A-Rod, CC, Tex
While the promise of the farm hands dimmed
Strapped behind a plow
But we were so much older then
We’re younger than that now
It seems like years since Jeet was here
Young and full of soul
Then money sunk in contracts dear
Dictated players’ roles
Simultaneously at Wilkes-Barre
Prospects stood by, like cows
But we were so much older then
We’re younger than that now
Will they give Gleyber time to grow?
Frazier and Sheffield too?
The Yankees’ patience will wear out
Just like it always do
By June the brass will call them up
Panicking, dropping trou
But we were so much older then
We’re younger than that now
Bob Dylan’s 2017 Forecast: “It’s the Card’s Reign’s A-Gonna Fall
by Jim Siergey
Oh, where have you gone, my blue-capped chumps?
Oh, where have you gone, you darling crumb bums?
You’ve stumbled and cried for ten musty decades
You’ve choked and you’ve tripped in lieu of sweet vict’ry
(But) You’ve shaped up your farm teams the several last seasons
You’ve beat us by using our very own game plan
You’ve put ten thousand miles away from Cubs’ hist’ry
And it’s the Card’s, and it’s the Card’s, it’s the Card’s,
and it’s the Card’s
And it’s the Card’s reign’s a-gonna fall!
Bob Dylan’s 2017 Forecast: “Sucking in the Wind”
by James Finn Garner
How many innings must Verlander pitch
to have them destroyed by the pen?
How many times must Miggy get on
to be left on the base by Upton?
How many weeks before Ausmus is canned–
that’s not an “if”, that’s a “when”
The answer, my friend, is 2017
When the Tigers will be sucking in the wind
How many balls will Martinez misjudge
and watch as they roll to the wall?
How many years will poor V-Mart DH
as his trot slows down to a crawl?
How many years must fans grumble and wince
before this team wins in the fall?
The answer, my friend, is 2017
When the Tigers will be sucking in the wind