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Darn Sox

by Greg Simetz

“Say it ain’t so,”
a kid once asked Shoeless Joe
the year the White Sox turned to black

The same could be asked
of the current Sox cast
filled with the lame, the halt and hacks

So laughter erupts
when owner Reinsdorf instructs
he’ll move the team south to Tennessee

If a new stadium isn’t built
and financed to the hilt
with Illinois taxpayer’s sucker money

But a record-setting pace
in a season of historic disgrace
makes 120+ defeats a bona fide threat

So Jerry, pack your hitless wonders
and move instead to baseball’s dumpster,
next to the more lovable ‘62 Mets.

 

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Kellogg’s at the Bat

Oh somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout
But there is no joy in Mudville — for the Corn Flakes are fresh out.

Kellogg’s ad, 1963

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Bad Ball Hitter

by R. Gerry Fabian

He came from the Dominican Republic.
A tangle of muscular arms and legs.
He could track a ball in the outfield
with a super radar accuracy.
His arm was above-average but precise.

It was at the plate
that is all seemed to go wrong.
He had no concept of the strike zone.
If he could reach it with his bat,
he would swing hard.
Like a coiled rattler,
he would lash out.
And lo and behold,
he could smash the ball
to every direction of the field.

The hitting coach gave up after
the first three months of instruction.
“What’s the point?”
He told the manager one day.
“The kid’s hitting .367, and
it’s the middle of August.”

 

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MLB All-New-Wave Team

1B   Pop Joy Division
2B   Echo and the Bunnyman Downs
SS   Split Enzo Hernández
3B   Jimmie Fixx

LF   Cars Yastrzemski
CF   Denard Spandau Ballet
RF   Max Flack of Seagulls

C   Tuffy Darts Gosewisch

LHP   Jesse English Beat, Roberto Durán Durán
RHP   Louis Talking Head, Vern Tears for Fear, Dave Soft Sells

MGR   Blondie Purcell