How would you like to run the O’s?
Round and neat
A team with such potential
Nearly ready to compete
You can earn a pretty penny
With it like so:
O! O! O!

Would you like to run the O’s?
Feathered and so fleet
Ready to contend in the
Wide-open AL East

It’ll cost you just your job

Ernie: My job?

The Salesman: SHHHHHH!

Ernie: (whispering) My job?

The Salesman: Riiiiiiiight!
So take the job and watch the O’s take flight.

Now listen. When you run the O’s, you won’t be alone. All your decisions as GM will have to pass muster with a bunch of front-office yes men that Peter Angelos refuses to fire. That is, when he’s not meddling directly himself.
And if you get a name past them, he’ll still have to be approved by Buck Showalter in the dugout, who’s as stable as a three-legged dog most of the time.
So you can have a high-profile job with lots of pressure and no power, in the toughest division in baseball, for the most incompetent owner in the game. So tell me….

Would you like to run the O’s?
Take over for Andy McPhail
He couldn’t stand the heat
Now he’s got time to golf and sail

It’ll cost you just your job

Ernie: My job?

The Salesman: SHHHHHH!

Ernie:  My job?

The Salesman: Riiiiiiiight!

So run the O’s and change them overnight.
Did we mention our “proud heritage”?
Just run the O’s and change them overnight.
Don’t forget the crab cakes.
So run the O’s and change them overnight.

The Cardinals are blanking the Astros again,
And they’ll make the playoffs if the Braves can’t win.
I wish I was there for this wild-card craze,
But I’m stuck in Seattle covering the A’s.

Hey! Tampa came back from a 7-0 hole,
Dan Johnson just tied it–right off the foul pole!
I’d love to be seeing the Yankees and Rays,
But I’m stuck in Seattle covering the A’s.

Did Baltimore really just walk off the Sox?
And Papelbon pull one more of his rocks?
So Tampa and St. Lou are in. I’m amazed
That I’m stuck in Seattle covering the A’s.

It’s cold in this pressbox at Safeco Field,
And watching a meaningless game is the yield.
The action is elsewhere, and it’s one of those days.
I’m stuck in Seattle covering the A’s.

BALTIMORE ORIOLES
Talented groundhogs
Trying to burrow through a
two-layer brick wall.

BOSTON RED SOX
Deep at every spot.
Not young at any of them,
Must win now or else.

NEW YORK YANKEES
E. Chavez is “back”!
Well, that’s a strange way to say
That he feels “healthy.”

TAMPA BAY RAYS
Damon? Ramirez?
It all depends what kind of
leadership you want.

TORONTO BLUE JAYS
Latinos can get
Good job opportunities
North of the border.

.

Birds flying low, you know how I feel,
Three-hit Cano, you know how I feel,
Ten wins in a row, you know how I feel,

It’s another o-misplay
It’s a crucial CC K
It’s a Rivera save
For Yanks,

And I’m feeling good.
.
Check out David’s Yankee blog, Pseudo-Intellectualism.

Posted 6/30/10

Inspired by the Orioles’ recent home sweep of the Red Sox, the first in nearly 36 years, is a new version of “Birdland”:

In the middle of that hub
I remember one sad club
Where Bosox went to beat
Down near Sultan’s home street

Everybody flipped the bird
To a team nicknamed the Birds
Where Beantown pitchers twirled
Like the best in all the world
The records achieved there
Were beyond compare

Birdland, I’m singing
Birdland
Birdland, Old losin’ Birdland

Hey man, the O’s would really turn you on.
Really? but things have just turned around.

Down them stairs, old winners beware
Where? Down in Birdland

Booming swings, now Birds are kings
There, down in Birdland

Tejada would cook, Papi would look
Where? Down in Birdland

Ohnan came through, Nick came too.
There, down in Birdland

Papelbon got screwed, J.D. too
Where? Down in Birdland

Orioles played hard ball
Now Tremblay won’t fall
There, down in Birdland, Yeah!

David posts often at his blog, Pseudo-Intellectualism.  Check it out.
Posted 5/13/2010

ORIOLES
Thousands of tweeters
Will talk of Matt Wieters while
Driving their beaters.
.

RED SOX
The spring mist rises
From the humid Fens again…
Wait, that’s fan B.O.
.

YANKEES
Autumn nears for A-
Rod, Mo, Jeter, Posada,
And, yes, Randy Winn.
.

RAYS
A young rotation,
Some MVP candidates,
A tough division.
.

BLUE JAYS
The center fielder
Needs to break his fall this spring–
Then all will be Wells.

Posted 4/6/2010

by Ember Nickel

.

Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters!
Beloved of pundits and bloggers and Tweeters.
We all knew for ages that he’d be the best
And now to his greatness I too can attest.

Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters!
Those who would surpass him are certainly cheaters.
I saw him break up a no-hitter! (Although
It was the second inning…but even so.)

Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters!
His home runs can travel for hundreds of meters.
But to his opponents he’s kind and shows grace
(I saw him hit a fielder’s choice to first base.)

Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters!
He’ll crush all your changeups, he’ll hit your high heaters.
But he’s so good that he doesn’t need to swing.
(I saw him walk.) Yes, he can do everything.

Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters!
No other people can claim to be world-beaters.
Who else could ground out to shortstop with his skill?
(I saw him do that too.) No one can, or will.

Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters!
When the game is tied up, and the outcome teeters
In the Orioles’ final at-bat, Wieters’ clout
Came up to the plate…and I saw him strike out.

Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters! Matt Wieters!
He’ll make us forget old Pujolses and Jeters
And Mauers and Molinas and–never mind
That now. Did you hear Stephen Strasburg got signed?

.

Posted 9/29/2009

.
I journeyed out to Camden Yards
To watch the Birds prevail,
Hoping against fervent hope
I would not see them fail

Even though so many times
The O’s would break my heart,
Getting hopes up for awhile
And then they’d fall apart.

Our starter lasted till the fourth
But rarely found the plate,
And when he got one in the zone
It came in flat or straight.

Predictably they crushed the ball.
Jones bid three shots adieu.
Markakis watched one sail untouched
Into Boog’s Barbecue.

But no way did they toss the towel–
They clawed and made it back.
That sent their grey-clad visitors
Into panic attack.

Then Huff got nailed at second base.
Oh, tell me why he tried!
And Mora rounded third too far.
He stumbled and got fried.

Those forays cost the Birds two runs,
And when those plays were done,
I sat there mired in prescient rage,
Just knew they’d lose by one.

Then for awhile they pulled ahead
And had advantage late.
Their faithful went delirious.
It seemed they’d changed their fate

And then the bullpen came to save
With warm-up pitches thrown,
But all who sat there now lament
Because the lead was blown.

But hey! The Birds weren’t through quite yet.
The ninth was still to play.
They still had one more chance to show
They would not go away.

They got ‘em loaded with none out–
It wouldn’t have taken much–
But then three guys each went to bat
And faded in the clutch.

I rode on the Hunt Valley train
And pondered why I came.
I cursed the naive childlike zeal
That brought me to that game.

And then I swore that this was it.
That game had been my last!
Of course I’d said that many times,
In decades now long past.

But later on, it came to me:
The Orioles are my curse.
Hooked on my beloved Birds,
For better or for worse.

Published 8/25/09

RAYS
Last year’s fish is cooked.
Singing songs of spring, the team
Trawls for the title.

RED SOX
Dust is in the air.
Dustin is in the infield.
Just get me a cloth.

YANKEES
$300 trillion
And they say they can’t afford
A spare infielder?

BLUE JAYS
Rock and hard place—both
Tough to climb when you work with
Canada dollars.

ORIOLES
When does that new show,
“Waiting for Weiters” come on?
Not quickly enough.

Posted 3/30/09.

Is it too late to call Cal?
Or even Bob Bonner?
With Hernandez or Fahey, the season’s a goner.

BOSTON

The pitching staff is shot to hell.
With Schilling, Beckett, and Colon unwell,
They’re Dice-rolling at the opening bell.

CHICAGO

Will the Sox get greedy
With Crede?
Watch your back, Ozzie—or, rather, watch Joe’s.

CLEVELAND

It’s time for the talent to show.
And with any luck (please, God)…
Maybe a new logo?

DETROIT

No injury worries—not even a tinge!
When any Tiger feels a twinge,
They’ll call on Brandon Inge.

KANSAS CITY

Tote that Bale, lift that Gload,
Another long year in KC?
Or a renaissance? These kids are beginning to be.

LOS ANGELES

K-Rod,
And Vlad the Impaler,
And a bunch of young pitchers hopping out of a trailer.

MINNESOTA

No cash for Johan or Torii,
But there’s money for Nathan—within reason—
Though he pitches just 70 innings a season.

NEW YORK STATE OF MIND

The Yankees won’t listen to reason!!
They’ll pull out their Wang
To open the season!!

OAKLAND

What’s that sound from the Street?
Is it Foulke music so sweet?
Oh, it’s Rich Harden’s shoulder, grinding like meat.

SEATTLE

Half the team has reached the big three-oh,
And aside from Ichiro,
There’s a lot of “don’t know.”

TAMPA BAY

They sent Longoria to Triple-A
To reduce his service time? Feh!
This franchise is still the pride of Mephistofele.

TEXAS

Trouble children, like Bradley and Hamilton,
And a pitching staff
Of no wheat and all chaff.

TORONTO

Toronto has Coats.
Maybe they’ll avoid
A cold April.

Posted 3/31/08