Taking Higher Ground

by Michael X. Ferraro

Chris Davis’s 0-fer-8 night ended in bliss.
Five times did the DH swing-swing-swing and miss.
So, post-platinum sombrero, why the big grin?
‘Cause he tossed two scoreless and picked up the win.

………………………………………………………………………………..

The Ballad of Chris Davis

by Stu Shea

How does a player go 0-for-8
And still win himself the game ball?
Move from DH to the pitching mound
And make major-league hitters look small.

Jamie Moyer, long of tooth,
Nabs a win at 49.
Never pitched to ol’ Babe Ruth
But babysat him one time.

Michael X. Ferraro is a TV writer/producer and author of Numbelievable: The Dramatic Stories Behind the Most Memorable Numbers in Sports History and Tased & Amused: The Shocking Poetic Recap of the 2010 Baseball Season.

BALTIMORE ORIOLES

“They might break even
if the young pitching improves.”
We’ve heard this before.

BOSTON RED SOX

After a tough loss
the new manager searches
for false-nose glasses

SEATTLE MARINERS

Jesus can create
a feast from loaves and fishes,
but Jesus can’t catch.

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES

With steroids now banned
normal aging will resume.
The cliff draws near.

DETROIT TIGERS

Trying to play third
when first base is a stretch could
drive a man to drink.

BALTIMORE ORIOLES
Each summer’s the same—
Young hopefuls and old hopeless
Trapped in the basement.

BOSTON RED SOX
The Hub returns to
Valentine’s Day, which we thought
Was ten years ago.

NEW YORK YANKEES
It seems so pettitte—
That the biggest worry is
Who’ll be fifth starter.

TAMPA BAY RAYS
Quality starters,
Like oranges, can be grown
By best and brightest.

TORONTO BLUE JAYS
O young club of hope,
Answer me this one question:
Have you any chance?

How would you like to run the O’s?
Round and neat
A team with such potential
Nearly ready to compete
You can earn a pretty penny
With it like so:
O! O! O!

Would you like to run the O’s?
Feathered and so fleet
Ready to contend in the
Wide-open AL East

It’ll cost you just your job

Ernie: My job?

The Salesman: SHHHHHH!

Ernie: (whispering) My job?

The Salesman: Riiiiiiiight!
So take the job and watch the O’s take flight.

Now listen. When you run the O’s, you won’t be alone. All your decisions as GM will have to pass muster with a bunch of front-office yes men that Peter Angelos refuses to fire. That is, when he’s not meddling directly himself.
And if you get a name past them, he’ll still have to be approved by Buck Showalter in the dugout, who’s as stable as a three-legged dog most of the time.
So you can have a high-profile job with lots of pressure and no power, in the toughest division in baseball, for the most incompetent owner in the game. So tell me….

Would you like to run the O’s?
Take over for Andy McPhail
He couldn’t stand the heat
Now he’s got time to golf and sail

It’ll cost you just your job

Ernie: My job?

The Salesman: SHHHHHH!

Ernie:  My job?

The Salesman: Riiiiiiiight!

So run the O’s and change them overnight.
Did we mention our “proud heritage”?
Just run the O’s and change them overnight.
Don’t forget the crab cakes.
So run the O’s and change them overnight.

The Cardinals are blanking the Astros again,
And they’ll make the playoffs if the Braves can’t win.
I wish I was there for this wild-card craze,
But I’m stuck in Seattle covering the A’s.

Hey! Tampa came back from a 7-0 hole,
Dan Johnson just tied it–right off the foul pole!
I’d love to be seeing the Yankees and Rays,
But I’m stuck in Seattle covering the A’s.

Did Baltimore really just walk off the Sox?
And Papelbon pull one more of his rocks?
So Tampa and St. Lou are in. I’m amazed
That I’m stuck in Seattle covering the A’s.

It’s cold in this pressbox at Safeco Field,
And watching a meaningless game is the yield.
The action is elsewhere, and it’s one of those days.
I’m stuck in Seattle covering the A’s.

BALTIMORE ORIOLES
Talented groundhogs
Trying to burrow through a
two-layer brick wall.

BOSTON RED SOX
Deep at every spot.
Not young at any of them,
Must win now or else.

NEW YORK YANKEES
E. Chavez is “back”!
Well, that’s a strange way to say
That he feels “healthy.”

TAMPA BAY RAYS
Damon? Ramirez?
It all depends what kind of
leadership you want.

TORONTO BLUE JAYS
Latinos can get
Good job opportunities
North of the border.

.

Birds flying low, you know how I feel,
Three-hit Cano, you know how I feel,
Ten wins in a row, you know how I feel,

It’s another o-misplay
It’s a crucial CC K
It’s a Rivera save
For Yanks,

And I’m feeling good.
.
Check out David’s Yankee blog, Pseudo-Intellectualism.

Posted 6/30/10

Inspired by the Orioles’ recent home sweep of the Red Sox, the first in nearly 36 years, is a new version of “Birdland”:

In the middle of that hub
I remember one sad club
Where Bosox went to beat
Down near Sultan’s home street

Everybody flipped the bird
To a team nicknamed the Birds
Where Beantown pitchers twirled
Like the best in all the world
The records achieved there
Were beyond compare

Birdland, I’m singing
Birdland
Birdland, Old losin’ Birdland

Hey man, the O’s would really turn you on.
Really? but things have just turned around.

Down them stairs, old winners beware
Where? Down in Birdland

Booming swings, now Birds are kings
There, down in Birdland

Tejada would cook, Papi would look
Where? Down in Birdland

Ohnan came through, Nick came too.
There, down in Birdland

Papelbon got screwed, J.D. too
Where? Down in Birdland

Orioles played hard ball
Now Tremblay won’t fall
There, down in Birdland, Yeah!

David posts often at his blog, Pseudo-Intellectualism.  Check it out.
Posted 5/13/2010

ORIOLES
Thousands of tweeters
Will talk of Matt Wieters while
Driving their beaters.
.

RED SOX
The spring mist rises
From the humid Fens again…
Wait, that’s fan B.O.
.

YANKEES
Autumn nears for A-
Rod, Mo, Jeter, Posada,
And, yes, Randy Winn.
.

RAYS
A young rotation,
Some MVP candidates,
A tough division.
.

BLUE JAYS
The center fielder
Needs to break his fall this spring–
Then all will be Wells.

Posted 4/6/2010