CHICAGO CUBS
Behold the savior!
He slouches toward Wrigleyville
And shops at J. Crew.

CINCINNATI REDS
Scott’s Rolen along
At least as much as one “rolls”
On two rusty wheels.

HOUSTON ASTROS
In a great big barn
The inhabitants will smell…
25 heifers

MILWAUKEE BREWERS
The abdication
Means the Milwaukee lineup
Will welcome the Mat.

PITTSBURGH PIRATES
Pretty park, green grass,
Lovely statue, tasty beer,
Clint Barmes at short

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS
Elders leave the grounds,
Leaving the young ones to play
The eternal game.

The Hall of Fame’s honor and riches
Ron Santo deserved without pitches.
.      But denied for too long
.      Was the man’s well-earned song
By an old bunch of sons of bitches.

.

by Cary Donham

Ron’s a hero to folks diabetic
‘Cause on the field he was super-kinetic
.      Whether diving for balls
.      Or arguing calls
Or clicking his heels so aesthetic

There’s a pall on the breeze in the air
Though there’s ball, for the freeze they prepare
.    In Chicago the fans
.    make their long winter plans
as they fall on their knees in despair

Zambrano’s again under fire
for wanting to early retire
.    The combustible hothead
.    is just a big knothead
who’d ignite his own funeral pyre

Hilary Barta’s limericks on movies, comics and pop culture can be found every day at LimerWrecks.

When Big Z said “I quit”
Jim Hendry jumped for joy–
That’s 18 million dollars he could save.
Of course, Big Z then said,
“I’m just an excitable boy,
And I hope you’ll let me back inside the cave.”

21 home runs, almost a phenom,
now 0-34, staring down a demon
looking up at the Mendoza line.

Was it the maple bat shattered by Castillo
that impaled him leading off third base
that erased his confidence and put him below

The mythical Mendoza line, .200 or .215,
usually reserved for good-field no-hit shortstops,
but for a young slugger, obscene.

The fast ball’s now an aspirin, the slider disappears,
the pitchers’ location always perfect, what happened to the cheers
and to the confidence that made him dangerous just a year ago?
Where did it go?

So back to Des Moines, is that spark gone for good?
looking up at the Mendoza line, as high as Everest,
still remembering that piece of wood
sticking from his chest.

The Cubs and the Sox have done battle
The fans cheered their ‘siders like cattle
.     But the final at bat
.     Felt tiny and flat,
As A.J. gave up the death rattle

Of course you know, Hilary Barta is a world-class illustrator and pens limericks every day over at LimerWrecks, right?  C’mon, get your head out of the sand.

This season the Cubbies are ghastly.
The team’s overpaid something vastly.
.     Against ne’er -do-well clubs,
.     these error-prone schlubs
are beaten so bad they’ll end lastly.

The Cub fan deserves our attention.
Their club’s always out of contention.
.     Yet they patiently cheer
.     as they wait til next year.
What they need is a team intervention.

.

Check out the rest of Hilary’s rhyme and illustration work at LimerWrecks.

“It’s a dump, Wrigley Field.” — Peter Gammons, radio interview

Peter Gammons is
A prep-school fool–uncool tool
Well past his sell date

.

Doug Davis throws nothing but junk,
Zambrano acts like a punk,
.    And Quade the boss
.    Looks like he’s lost–
Another Cubs’ season is sunk.

Are Ricketts and Hendry still believing
While fans in the bleachers are grieving?
.    ‘Cause the team on the field
.    Is again getting killed.
Who can blame Ron Santo for leaving????