Jason and the Golden Thong
by Hart Seely
On days when drives are flying long,
And pitchers wonder what’s gone wrong?
The Bronx winds sing this joyous song:
“Giambi’s in his golden thong!”
Each swing reveals Giambi’s might,
Each wince inspires his mates to fight,
They know too well his painful plight:
One ball hangs left, one ball hangs right.
He leads the veteran team attack,
True courage, he shall never lack!
He eyes the pitch, then takes his whack
As golden threads ascend his crack.
Then comes the time when life turns wrong,
When wins grow short, and losses long,
And Bronx winds sing their saddest song:
“Giambi’s lost his golden thong!”
Hart Seely is the author of the hilarious Mother Goose Goes to Washington, as well as Oh Holy Cow: The Selected Verse of Phil Rizzuto, newly released in a 15th-anniversary edition. He often hangs around the Yankee website, It is High, It is Far, It is….caught, offering tasteful and constructive comments to management and players alike.
Posted 5/21/08.
The White Sox’ Rubber Soul
by James Finn Garner
You say your batters can’t swing it?
Their whiffing gives you chills?
I got an old-school remedy for
Fixin’ all your ills.
Take all your Louisville Sluggers,
Arrange ‘em in a stack,
Then get set for a mighty hoodoo
(There ain’t no turnin’ back).
Now get yourself some love dolls–
You know the kind I mean,
Those cuties made of polymerized
Isobutylene.
Inflate them gals and set them ’round
Your mighty pile of sticks
And pray for their blow-up blessings
And soon you’ll get your licks.
You’ll feel your eyeballs quicken
And your pencil fill with lead,
And by August your White Sox will be
Twenty games ahead.
But don’t blaspheme the rubber gods
Or disrespect their medicine,
Or they’ll do to you just what they did
To Brian Anderson.
Posted 5/12/08
Say Eh, Felix Pie, Say Eh! (With Slight Apologies To Willie Mays)
by Sid Yiddish
Say eh, Felix Pie, say eh!
Does it hurt much today?
I gather it’s worse than being strapped to a totem, than to have so much publicity attached to your torsioned scrotum.
Though humbling it seems, it happened in the winter, still it’s a true calamity, for it makes men squeal like girls by boys who given them toys like diamond rings, fur coats and shiny new cars.
Be that as it may, only a scar will hide away the familiarity with the actual case; no longer will it be based on balls, nor will it be having a ball, ‘coz now it’ll be harder, not as in boner, though…
It will still be tougher saving face.
So, say eh, Felix Pie, just say eh!
Does it really hurt that much today?
Posted 4/11/08
