On the Lack of Any Exciting Division Races
by James Finn Garner
I’ll prob’ly buy some bags of mulch
And mix them in the garden.
Kids’ homework sure could use my touch.
College football’s starting.
The DVDs of “Breaking Bad”,
They won’t watch themselves.
Tomatoes are almost set to can.
The basement needs more shelves.
Cold mornings tell us now it’s fall
But before the snows arrive,
I long for the days when baseball
Lasted six months, not just five.
Marriage on the Rocks with Chisox
by James Finn Garner
Ozzie and Kenny fighting at the Cell
(Throw Greg Walker in as well)
First come shouts,
Then comes snarling,
Then comes Ozzie (finally!) moving to the Marlins.
Ubaldo Ambition
by James Finn Garner
The Indians’ move was U-bold-o
Getting Jimenez away from the Rockies.
Their hot idea might end up cold, though,
If his outings continue so schlocky.
Foul Ball, Section 18, Comerica Park, July 16
by James Finn Garner
These are the saddest of all possible words:
Foul ball bounced up in my nuts.
Flew up like a hawk and fell back like a turd.
Foul ball bounced up in my nuts.
Ruthlessly pricking my gonfalon testes,
Causing me pain from my east to my westies,
Never again will I be at my besties:
Foul ball bounced up in my nuts.
Most Invisible Player
by James Finn Garner
Ichiro’s struggling this year,
Though I don’t know how you could tell.
When he hits, his team’s under .500,
When he doesn’t, they don’t do so well.
.
