LaRussa as Lincoln
by Todd Herges
Dearest Mary,
Mine eyes have seen the stresses
of the team far back in June;
of a long goatee brought in to save
but failing far too soon.
Four score and one game makes a half,
and both sides of the all-star break
our men did try their best, yet
good progress they could not make.
Out went McClellan; in came Grant
to help us win the day,
while Sherman (twenty-nine) burned the South
and turned the tide our way.
And now, my dear, I’ve decided that
to bring Cardinal nation together I’ve got
to give command of the ball, at the very end,
to the able Ulysses S. Motte.
Prayerfully yours,
Abe
Cardinals: Don’t Hate Us Cuz We Win
by Alan P. Rudy
A Cubs fan laments of Cardinal success,
In the face of Philly’s utter Yankee-ness,
And Arizona’s owner’s militant anti-immigrant mess,
Of Milwaukee’s ties to the Commish’s anti-player caress…
Fans of cursed fate are sad to witness.
The New Busch Stadium is NOT a Rodent Trap!
By Stuart Shea
How could that squirrel
Send Roy Oswalt squirmin’?
Well, Cardinals eat seeds and
don’t hunt vermin.
Post-Season Prediction Doggerel
by James Finn Garner
All the network media dorks
Sing the praises of New York
They hate visiting places strange
Like Motown and the Texas Range
They’d rather crawl through Gotham sewers
Than watch the Snakes or Rays or Brewers.
They’re happy as a dog with bone
To stay in th’ Eastern Time Zone.
But Yankees pitching ain’t worth a lick.
The Phillies are my pick, in six.
Season’s Last Day Oakland Sportswriter Blues
By Stuart Shea
The Cardinals are blanking the Astros again,
And they’ll make the playoffs if the Braves can’t win.
I wish I was there for this wild-card craze,
But I’m stuck in Seattle covering the A’s.
Hey! Tampa came back from a 7-0 hole,
Dan Johnson just tied it–right off the foul pole!
I’d love to be seeing the Yankees and Rays,
But I’m stuck in Seattle covering the A’s.
Did Baltimore really just walk off the Sox?
And Papelbon pull one more of his rocks?
So Tampa and St. Lou are in. I’m amazed
That I’m stuck in Seattle covering the A’s.
It’s cold in this pressbox at Safeco Field,
And watching a meaningless game is the yield.
The action is elsewhere, and it’s one of those days.
I’m stuck in Seattle covering the A’s.
