A Cubs fan laments of Cardinal success,
In the face of Philly’s utter Yankee-ness,
And Arizona’s owner’s militant anti-immigrant mess,
Of Milwaukee’s ties to the Commish’s anti-player caress…
Fans of cursed fate are sad to witness.

All the network media dorks
Sing the praises of New York

They hate visiting places strange
Like Motown and the Texas Range

They’d rather crawl through Gotham sewers
Than watch the Snakes or Rays or Brewers.

They’re happy as a dog with bone
To stay in th’ Eastern Time Zone.

But Yankees pitching ain’t worth a lick.
The Phillies are my pick, in six.

Little League Hero,
First-round pick.
Partied ’til sick,
Major league zero.

Cleared his name,
Did what it takes.
Signed with the Snakes,
Back in the game.

Fans in New England (the Red Sox Nation)
Are masochists in anticipation.

Yankee fans are clever guys
Two strikes on batter, they all rise
Sophisticated crowd.  Who knew
All of them could count to two?

The Cubby fans are loud and jivey,
Or are they rooting for the ivy?

It’s Baseball Night in Canada, eh?
Do the Blue Jays fight or do they play?

Texas loves the Texas Rangers
To the rest of us they’re total strangers.

Mets fans shout it:
Fuhgeddaboudit!

Good players are what their diamond lacks
But their fans still cheer the Diamondbacks.

The team is shaky in Seattle
The players may but the fans don’t rattle.

Florida fans all like to laze
Watch the game, take in the Rays.

Some fans will cheer and that’s
All we have for the Washington Nats.

Philadelphia’s fandom
Cheers or boos—it’s random.

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS
With Mark Reynolds gone,
It won’t be quite as windy
this year at Chase Field

COLORADO ROCKIES
Clutch Car-Go signed,
Willy Taveras signed too–
One step up, one back.

LOS ANGELES DODGERS
An oblique signing,
Middling veteran Jon Garland–
Now an oblique strain.

SAN DIEGO PADRES
It is much tougher
To sneak up on somebody
When they know you’re there.

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS
As full as lush peonies,
Hosting every bee and fly–
Brian Wilson’s beard.

DIAMONDBACKS
Some cacti have more range
Than Conor Jackson in left.
But he can hit some.
.

DODGERS
Poor Jamie McCourt.
All that cash for the players
Where’s her unfair share?
.

GIANTS
A skinny pitcher,
Throwing nothing but BBs
This is his springtime.
.

PADRES
Trade Adrian G?
Better to cut crocuses
Before they blossom.
.

ROCKIES
A sore-armed closer
A thin middle relief corps…
A Street of bad dreams.

Posted 3/30/2010

DODGERS
What causes shadows
Gath’ring over Dodgertown?
Oh. It’s Manny’s hair.

DIAMONDBACKS
Risky tightrope walk—
Using Felipe Lopez
As a regular.

GIANTS
If it rained all year
S.F. would avoid losing
100 ballgames.

PADRES
No big stars, no hope
Dark days ahead for the fans
Despite bright Cali skies.

ROCKIES
Jeff Francis’ arm
Wilted like Boston lettuce
Left out far too long.

Posted 3/25/09

ATLANTA

Clean Living,
A Fast Outfield,
And a Chipper Jones.
(With apologies to Vernon “Lefty” Gomez)

ARIZONA

Upton can play,
And he’ll need to, no doubt,
If Eric Byrnes out.

CHICAGO

Sweet Lou wants it understood,
That the newbies—Pie, Soto, and Fukudome—will be good
(Knock on Wood).

CINCINNATI

Votto, Bruce, and Bailey make the Redlegs’ future bright.
But with Dusty in the drivers’ seat,
The Kids Aren’t Alright.

COLORADO

While the defending champs get little respect
And their city’s baseball pedigree is suspect
The Rockies are deep—and better than you’d expect.

FLORIDA

A rotation thinner than loose-leaf paper
And one, maybe two, good hitters to savor?
This could get Uggly.

HOUSTON

They need a Pitching ComeBacke.
A NewBourn Attack…
And Hot Towles!

LOS ANGELES

Many pitchers with questions,
Position player congestion–
By now, one hopes Joe Torre has a remedy for indigestion.

MILWAUKEE

Hardy-Harted Men,
Princes with Braun and wise Counsell,
Just need clean Sheets.

NEW YORK

Health to go with wealth.
Johan and Pedro (not Feliciano)
And, apparently, an Angel in the outfield.

PHILADELPHIA

Rollins, Howard, Utley, Burrell, and Feliz
Will give the Phillies plenty of pow.
But can they hit more homers than their pitchers allow?

PITTSBURGH

Steve will Pearce the outfield soon,
With Nady gone by June,
And Jason up on eBay.

ST. LOUIS

Such teams with little hope need luck,
Albert,
And divine intervention.

SAN DIEGO

An outfield and infield of maybes
Could make Padres’ pitchers sick,
But Buddy Black don’t give a Fick.

SAN FRANCISCO

So the post-Bonds era begins,
And no one expects many wins.
Thank God for the Garlic Fries.

A WASHINGTON HAIKU

Two fat first basemen
Could sink their park into the
Anacostia.

Posted 4/2/08

When Ted Lilly
Took the hill, he
Was looking to be the snake charmer,

But the D-Backs hit taters
Like overripe ‘maters,
And poor Ted looked like an amateur farmer.

Posted 10/5/07 

An overweight pitcher named Russ
Made Diamondbacks fans swear and cuss.

Paid eight million to hurl,
He threw like a girl.

We wish he’d fall under a bus.

Posted 8/2/07