The Indians’ move was U-bold-o
Getting Jimenez away from the Rockies.
Their hot idea might end up cold, though,
If his outings continue so schlocky.

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS
With Mark Reynolds gone,
It won’t be quite as windy
this year at Chase Field

COLORADO ROCKIES
Clutch Car-Go signed,
Willy Taveras signed too–
One step up, one back.

LOS ANGELES DODGERS
An oblique signing,
Middling veteran Jon Garland–
Now an oblique strain.

SAN DIEGO PADRES
It is much tougher
To sneak up on somebody
When they know you’re there.

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS
As full as lush peonies,
Hosting every bee and fly–
Brian Wilson’s beard.

DIAMONDBACKS
Some cacti have more range
Than Conor Jackson in left.
But he can hit some.
.

DODGERS
Poor Jamie McCourt.
All that cash for the players
Where’s her unfair share?
.

GIANTS
A skinny pitcher,
Throwing nothing but BBs
This is his springtime.
.

PADRES
Trade Adrian G?
Better to cut crocuses
Before they blossom.
.

ROCKIES
A sore-armed closer
A thin middle relief corps…
A Street of bad dreams.

Posted 3/30/2010

Rocks usually roll downhill.
These Rockies aren’t just landfill.

Left for dead in early May,
They’re in the playoff hunt today.

Playing halfway up the sky,
The Rockies feel a mile high.

The Cards may be their October foe,
Which ought to make a lovely show.

They’ll face a guy they used to pay–
That hitting star, Matt Holliday.

With Denver smog vs. St. Louis heat,
The Coors and Bud should flow quite sweet.

.

Posted 9/22/2009

.

Scottie Pods, Scottie Pods,
What were the chances?
Oh, what were the odds?

Cut by the Rockies because you’re too old–
Your step getting heavy, your bat growing cold–
The Pale Hose invite you back into the fold
And you climb your way back like the grinder of old.
Fans love a player still hungry and bold
Who refuses to note for whom the bell’s tolled.
In the hot summer night, the scoreboard explodes
As you dig hard to mine one more season of gold.

Scottie Pods, Scottie Pods,
What were the chances?
Oh, what were the odds?

.

Posted 8/6/2009

DODGERS
What causes shadows
Gath’ring over Dodgertown?
Oh. It’s Manny’s hair.

DIAMONDBACKS
Risky tightrope walk—
Using Felipe Lopez
As a regular.

GIANTS
If it rained all year
S.F. would avoid losing
100 ballgames.

PADRES
No big stars, no hope
Dark days ahead for the fans
Despite bright Cali skies.

ROCKIES
Jeff Francis’ arm
Wilted like Boston lettuce
Left out far too long.

Posted 3/25/09

Chocolate-dipped in a stale sugar cone,
The Rockies emit a miserable moan.

Last year the Series a reachable goal,
This year, last place and 12 games in the hole.

Their bats are as flabby as Jell-O congealed,
With pitching you’d find on a Little League field.

Where’s Tulo? He’s hurt, batting .152,
And Brad Hawpe’s bat has a case of the flu,

The offense an orange without any juice–
In a ballpark like Coors, there’s just no excuse.
Their 2007 pitchers a challenging foe,
But two thousand eight is a sick horror show.

Ubaldo Jimenez is just 1 and 6,
Jeff Francis ain’t fooling no one with his tricks.

Kip Wells, Micah Bowie, and–ugh–Glendon Rusch
Just prove that this pitching staff hasn’t got much.

What’s in a year? What will the team do?
I’m sure they’ll get better–in a season or two.

Posted 6/7/08 

It’s fun to watch the pitchers gawp
When Brad Hawpe
Comes up to bat,

‘Cuz, just like that,
With one blow,
A scoreless tie becomes 3-0.

So if you want your fans to yawp!
You need a player like Brad Hawpe.

Posted 4/16/08. 

I.
Matt Holliday,
Let’s celebrate.
Matt Holliday,
He can hit so nice.

II.
Borderline,
Looks like he’s going to lose his mind
If Jeff Kent keeps striking out
On balls on the borderline.

III.
Cub fans,
The only ones who understand,
They break our heart but we renew…
‘Cause true blue, baby, we love you.

IV.
Some teams chase me, some teams beg me
I think they’re OK,
But if they don’t give ten-year contracts,
I’ll just walk away

They can beg and they can plead
But they can’t make me sign (they whine)
That GM with cold hard cash
Will always bend his spine, he will because we’re

Living in a material game
And I have a material name
You know that we are living in a material game
And I have a material name.

Posted 4/6/08

ATLANTA

Clean Living,
A Fast Outfield,
And a Chipper Jones.
(With apologies to Vernon “Lefty” Gomez)

ARIZONA

Upton can play,
And he’ll need to, no doubt,
If Eric Byrnes out.

CHICAGO

Sweet Lou wants it understood,
That the newbies—Pie, Soto, and Fukudome—will be good
(Knock on Wood).

CINCINNATI

Votto, Bruce, and Bailey make the Redlegs’ future bright.
But with Dusty in the drivers’ seat,
The Kids Aren’t Alright.

COLORADO

While the defending champs get little respect
And their city’s baseball pedigree is suspect
The Rockies are deep—and better than you’d expect.

FLORIDA

A rotation thinner than loose-leaf paper
And one, maybe two, good hitters to savor?
This could get Uggly.

HOUSTON

They need a Pitching ComeBacke.
A NewBourn Attack…
And Hot Towles!

LOS ANGELES

Many pitchers with questions,
Position player congestion–
By now, one hopes Joe Torre has a remedy for indigestion.

MILWAUKEE

Hardy-Harted Men,
Princes with Braun and wise Counsell,
Just need clean Sheets.

NEW YORK

Health to go with wealth.
Johan and Pedro (not Feliciano)
And, apparently, an Angel in the outfield.

PHILADELPHIA

Rollins, Howard, Utley, Burrell, and Feliz
Will give the Phillies plenty of pow.
But can they hit more homers than their pitchers allow?

PITTSBURGH

Steve will Pearce the outfield soon,
With Nady gone by June,
And Jason up on eBay.

ST. LOUIS

Such teams with little hope need luck,
Albert,
And divine intervention.

SAN DIEGO

An outfield and infield of maybes
Could make Padres’ pitchers sick,
But Buddy Black don’t give a Fick.

SAN FRANCISCO

So the post-Bonds era begins,
And no one expects many wins.
Thank God for the Garlic Fries.

A WASHINGTON HAIKU

Two fat first basemen
Could sink their park into the
Anacostia.

Posted 4/2/08