Roy White, you did all right.
Jim Ray Hart, you played your part.
Willie Mays, those were the days!
Matty Alou, is it really true?

Duke Sims, you climbed on limbs.
Sparky Lyle, you made us smile.
Horace Clarke, you jumped the shark.
Matty Alou, we must bid adieu?

Harvey Kuenn, you made the scene.
Juan Marichal, you gave ‘em hell.
Steve Blass, let’s raise a glass!
Matty Alou, we’ll remember you.

Hart Seely’s new book, The Juju Rules: Or How to Win Ballgames From Your Couch, will be published by Houghton Mifflin in time for Opening Day 2012.  You can pre-order it from Amazon at this link.

When Oakland’s Swingin’ A’s were swingin’,
A hard-playing, mustachioed team–
Williams quit after winning two titles.
The skipper never changed or mellowed
In Expos white or Padres yellow.
Old-school grit, speed and defense vital.
Angels in heaven might hear him scream,
“You with the harp!  You call that singin’?”

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS
With Mark Reynolds gone,
It won’t be quite as windy
this year at Chase Field

COLORADO ROCKIES
Clutch Car-Go signed,
Willy Taveras signed too–
One step up, one back.

LOS ANGELES DODGERS
An oblique signing,
Middling veteran Jon Garland–
Now an oblique strain.

SAN DIEGO PADRES
It is much tougher
To sneak up on somebody
When they know you’re there.

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS
As full as lush peonies,
Hosting every bee and fly–
Brian Wilson’s beard.

Counting: 15 out of 16 years past
to Yankee playoff possibility:

Pirates?  Padres?  The Indians, e.g.?
(the list of small- & medium-market
teams is as long as owners’ ledgers)
a dis-service to their fans:

So don’t argue:

That your team owners may be committed
to money to profit not to bases counted
or games won: to profit sharing:
& so much for quality & parity

Some teams are designed to contend
others merely to make money

DIAMONDBACKS
Some cacti have more range
Than Conor Jackson in left.
But he can hit some.
.

DODGERS
Poor Jamie McCourt.
All that cash for the players
Where’s her unfair share?
.

GIANTS
A skinny pitcher,
Throwing nothing but BBs
This is his springtime.
.

PADRES
Trade Adrian G?
Better to cut crocuses
Before they blossom.
.

ROCKIES
A sore-armed closer
A thin middle relief corps…
A Street of bad dreams.

Posted 3/30/2010

DODGERS
What causes shadows
Gath’ring over Dodgertown?
Oh. It’s Manny’s hair.

DIAMONDBACKS
Risky tightrope walk—
Using Felipe Lopez
As a regular.

GIANTS
If it rained all year
S.F. would avoid losing
100 ballgames.

PADRES
No big stars, no hope
Dark days ahead for the fans
Despite bright Cali skies.

ROCKIES
Jeff Francis’ arm
Wilted like Boston lettuce
Left out far too long.

Posted 3/25/09

The legend lives on, from Hoyt Wilhelm on down,
Of the trick pitch they all call the knuckler.
The pitch, it is said, leaves the catchers for dead,
Diving wildly with no hope for succor.

A gentleman fine, wearing number 49,
Came to Boston by way of the Pirates.
He struck batters out but he made catchers shout
‘Cept for one who had gorged carbohydrates.

Mirabelli’s the pride of the Faithful who fly
Cross the nation to see foes confounded.
As good catchers go, he was bigger than most,
With a butt and a belly well rounded.

Concluding some time with the Giants to find
They had sold him right off to the Rangers,
But Hatteburg and Tek found their stats were a wreck
And Duquette was aware of the dangers.

The voice on the phone made a tattletale drone,
And for Dougie they demanded Duchscherer.
And every man knew, as the GM did, too,
‘Twas a swap that smelled lots like manure.

But the trade it was made, and Doug wasn’t afraid
When the pitches of Wakefield came floating,
But after the game with complete lack of shame,
Dougie pigged out until he was bloating.

When the clubhouse spread came, the old cook was ashamed,
Saying, “Dougie, it’s all I can feed ya.”
At seven P.M., an old floorboard caved in.
He said, “Dougie, it’s been good to know ya.”

The Sox got Josh Bard, but the job was too hard,
So they flew Dougie from San Diego.
With state troopers he came, just in time for the game,
Catching knuckleballs, looking like Play-Doh.

Does anyone know where the love of God goes
When the years turn the muscles to blubber?
The Faithful all say he’d have played to this day
Were his belly not soft as foam rubber.

Come 2008, Kevin Cash looked so great
Rumors spread across all Red Sox Nation.
On the thirteenth of March, Tito spoke the words harsh,
“The right thing for the organization.”

‘Cause flabby flesh hangs, despite Series rings
When beer and not ice tea’s a passion.
If you chug Anchor Steams like a bush leaguer’s dreams,
Your waistline will be out of fashion

And farther below the belt, don’t you know,
Takes the fat that won’t fit in the belly,
And the muscle tone goes, as the old-timers know,
‘Til the wreck of the Doug Mirabelli.

In a musty beerhall in Kenmore they prayed
And from Back Bay to Rome and New Delhi
The church bells did chime, all of 28 times
For the number of Doug Mirabelli.

The legend lives on, from Hoyt Wilhelm on down,
Now to Timmay and Doug’s fame accruing.
Great catches and blocks while wearing Red Sox.
‘Twas his weight that became his undoing.

ATLANTA

Clean Living,
A Fast Outfield,
And a Chipper Jones.
(With apologies to Vernon “Lefty” Gomez)

ARIZONA

Upton can play,
And he’ll need to, no doubt,
If Eric Byrnes out.

CHICAGO

Sweet Lou wants it understood,
That the newbies—Pie, Soto, and Fukudome—will be good
(Knock on Wood).

CINCINNATI

Votto, Bruce, and Bailey make the Redlegs’ future bright.
But with Dusty in the drivers’ seat,
The Kids Aren’t Alright.

COLORADO

While the defending champs get little respect
And their city’s baseball pedigree is suspect
The Rockies are deep—and better than you’d expect.

FLORIDA

A rotation thinner than loose-leaf paper
And one, maybe two, good hitters to savor?
This could get Uggly.

HOUSTON

They need a Pitching ComeBacke.
A NewBourn Attack…
And Hot Towles!

LOS ANGELES

Many pitchers with questions,
Position player congestion–
By now, one hopes Joe Torre has a remedy for indigestion.

MILWAUKEE

Hardy-Harted Men,
Princes with Braun and wise Counsell,
Just need clean Sheets.

NEW YORK

Health to go with wealth.
Johan and Pedro (not Feliciano)
And, apparently, an Angel in the outfield.

PHILADELPHIA

Rollins, Howard, Utley, Burrell, and Feliz
Will give the Phillies plenty of pow.
But can they hit more homers than their pitchers allow?

PITTSBURGH

Steve will Pearce the outfield soon,
With Nady gone by June,
And Jason up on eBay.

ST. LOUIS

Such teams with little hope need luck,
Albert,
And divine intervention.

SAN DIEGO

An outfield and infield of maybes
Could make Padres’ pitchers sick,
But Buddy Black don’t give a Fick.

SAN FRANCISCO

So the post-Bonds era begins,
And no one expects many wins.
Thank God for the Garlic Fries.

A WASHINGTON HAIKU

Two fat first basemen
Could sink their park into the
Anacostia.

Posted 4/2/08

Change-up, change-up.
He makes hitters clowns.
It floats to the plate
And it sits right down.

Change-up, change-up.
Off mediocre “heat,”
You feel real comfy,
But still you get beat.

I wonder if Hoffman
Throws change-ups in bed
Or if Mrs. Hoffman
Likes it “dead red.”

Posted 9/27/07 

Goose Gossage,
Goose Gossage,
You are your own Bossage,
You have your own mitt that you sign and Embossage.

Goose Gossage,
Goose Gossage,
You always will Flossage,
Your round rolling stone will ne’er gather no Mossage.

Goose Gossage,
Goose Gossage,
You boot up with DOSsage,
You always predict the results of coin Tossage.

Goose Gossage,
Goose Gossage,
Your car drives with Nossage,
And you play like you dance, like the winged Bob Fossage.

(Sandy’s site, with his comedy teammates: Schadenfreude.net)

Posted 8/3/07