Foul Ball, Section 18, Comerica Park, July 16

by James Finn Garner

These are the saddest of all possible words:
Foul ball bounced up in my nuts.
Flew up like a hawk and fell back like a turd.
Foul ball bounced up in my nuts.
Ruthlessly pricking my gonfalon testes,
Causing me pain from my east to my westies,
Never again will I be at my besties:
Foul ball bounced up in my nuts.


Published in Fans, James Finn Garner, Pure doggerel, The Game Itself | Link to this poem | 10 Comments

Foul Ball, Section 18, Comerica Park, July 16: 10 Comments

  1. Hilary Barta wrote,

    The clips are rerun on the news
    With multiple, alternate views
    A blow which is felt
    Below ev’ry belt
    With a horrible saddle-stitched bruise

  2. James Finn Garner wrote,

    This game has its downs and its ups
    For lifers as well as young pups.
    To ensure the creation
    of the next generation,
    All fans will need to wear cups.

  3. Hilary Barta wrote,

    It’s tragic that cup bereft lads
    might fail to grow up to be dads
    That father and son
    won’t bond in the sun
    comparing their unruptured nads

  4. Stu wrote,

    If you sit in pricey box seats,
    Where there’s room for a beer at your feets,
    Don’t be surprised
    If your fear’s realized
    And a baseball jumps into your beets.

  5. Hilary Barta wrote,

    Folks go for the seats near the action
    The closer the greater attraction
    But sitting too near
    foul tips instill fear
    one’s cojones will wind up in traction

  6. Ember Nickel wrote,

    These are pretty fantastic.

    My small contribution (I’m self-censoring some potential first lines that are tasteless even by the standards of /this/ subject matter, but perhaps something about bathroom stalls would be appropriate?)

    One still ought to sit far back from walls
    For you still risk the bad news
    Of, what’s worse then a bruise,
    A ball striking you in the balls.

  7. Ember Nickel wrote,

    Wait, no, sorry, Hilary already got the news/bruise rhyme. Maybe:

    For one risks a foul strike
    In a place one won’t like
    If a ball catches one in the balls.

    Also, given that “gonfalon” means “pennant,” I’m sort of curious as to how that could apply to, you know…

  8. James Finn Garner wrote,

    Ah, you’re right about “gonfalon”. My mistake. Stu and I wrote it over beers quickly, and I didn’t send it past my editor.

    These comments are the evidence: There’s nothing funnier under the sun than someone (else) getting punched in the pebbles.

  9. Ember Nickel wrote,

    I do, however, take issue with the generalization at the end of comment 2…

    Among fans’ new uniforms, perhaps
    Uniformity ends at the caps.
    In the league of /my/ own,
    I will have it be known,
    We don’t need to bother with straps.

  10. Hilary Barta wrote,

    Though in stands many fans will conjoin,
    Only some have the cash and the coin
    to purchase the seats
    they reserve for elites
    It’s too bad they’re paid back in the groin

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