J.P. Ricciardi, Toronto’s Pencil-Pushing Party

By Stuart Shea

I.
J.P. Ricciardi, Toronto’s pencil-pushing party,
has a big, big, big, big, mouth.
Adam Dunn’s a hitter (tho J.P. sez he’s a quitter)
And he’s happy hacking homers in the south.

When Ricciardi, on the radio, dissed Dunn to Blue Jay nation,
It came without a thorough explanation.
Canadian guys, from B.C. to P.E.I,
Said, “J.P. must have skipped his medication!”

II.
Now J.P. says the two have talked it all over–
But Dunn says it just isn’t so.
The Jays fired their skipper, but look out, J. The Ripper–
You might be the next one to go.

Posted 6/30/08 

Dayenu (Translation: It Would Have Been Enough)

By Jonathan Eig

For Ken Holtzman

If He had led us through a century without a World Series triumph, it would have been enough.

If He had led us through a century without a World Series triumph and not allowed Hippo Vaughn to lose a no-hit game in 1917, it would have been enough.

If He had allowed Hippo Vaughn to lose a no-hit game and not given us the idiot P.K. Wrigley, it would have been enough.

If He had given us the idiot Wrigley and not banished Grover Cleveland Alexander to the St. Louis Cardinals, it would have been enough.

If He had banished Grover Alexander to the Cardinals and not sent Babe Ruth’s called shot into the center-field bleachers, it would have been enough.

If He had sent Babe Ruth’s called shot into the bleachers and not blinded us to the availability of a minor-league outfielder named Joe DiMaggio, it would have been enough.

If He had blinded us to the availability of Joe DiMaggio and not cursed us with the goat, it would have been enough.

If He had cursed us with the goat and not given us the College of Coaches, it would have been enough.

If he had given us the College of Coaches and not cast out Lou Brock to St. Louis, it would have been enough.

If He had cast out Lou Brock and not showered blessings upon the Mets in the summer of 1969, it would have been enough.

If He had showered blessings upon the Mets in the summer of 1969 and not directed a ground ball through Leon Durham’s legs, it would have been enough.

If He had directed the ball through Durham’s legs and not sent forth Greg Maddux to Atlanta, it would have been enough.

If He had sent forth Greg Maddux to Atlanta and not delivered unto us the prophet Steve Bartman, it would have been enough.

If He had delivered unto us the prophet Bartman and not made clumsy the hands of shortstop Alex Gonzalez, it would have been enough.

If He had made clumsy the hands of Alex Gonzalez and not sent the plague of loud salsa music from Sosa’s boom box, it would have been enough.

If He had sent the plague of salsa music and not rendered feeble the arms of Prior and Wood, it would have been enough.

If He had rendered feeble the arms of Prior and Wood and not given us Sam Zell, it would have been enough.

If He had given us Sam Zell and not smote Geremi Gonzalez with a lightning bolt, it would have been enough.

For all these things we say Dayenu. It would have been enough. Really.

And let us all say, Amen.

Jonathan Eig is the New York Times Best-selling author of Luckiest Man: The Life and Death of Lou Gehrig and Opening Day: The Story of Jackie Robinson’s First Season.

Posted 6/26/08 

You Gotta Believe

by Jeffrey Felshman

For M. Donald Grant and Omar Minaya

So now, with Willie out of the way,
the Mets will really start to play.

If Willie hadn’t been standing in the way,
the Mets would be in first place today.

Since they’ve pushed Willie out of the way,
Mets management’s turned night into day.

Finally, with Willie out of the way,
the Mets are going all the way,
and Mets homers will fill Flushing Bay.
and a championship team will reign in Shea.

Now Beltran, Delgado, and Jose Ray
and Mets players too numerous to name,
will take their places in the Hall of Fame.

Because Willie Randolph is out of their way.

Posted 6/25/08 

David Ortiz, New US Citizen

by James Finn Garner

David Ortiz can now be called
Red white and blue,
An All-American yahoo!

A Back Bay Brahmin,
Green Mountain slammin’,
Star-Spangled-Bannerin’
True Blue All-American!

But it’s safe to say Big Papi
Won’t let you call him a Yankee.

Posted 6/23/08

Willie, McLaren, and John

By Stuart Shea

Has anybody seen my old pal Willie?
Can you tell me where he’s gone?
The Mets are playing badly, and that surely was not planned.
I turned around and he’s canned.

Anybody here seen John McLaren?
Can you tell me where he’s gone?
Even the rats are deserting Seattle’s ship.
And hiring Jim Riggleman ain’t that hip.

Can anybody here find my friend John Gibbons?
Can you tell me where he’s gone?
His GM is a lunatic, and the Jays look awfully tired.
He might be happy to be fired.

Anybody here know who’ll be next dismissed?
Open season on the skippers.
Is it Buddy Black, or Eric Wedge, or maybe Cecil Cooper
Whose career’s going down the pooper?

Posted 6/20/08Â