Rocky Road–My Favorite!
By Stuart Shea
Chocolate-dipped in a stale sugar cone,
The Rockies emit a miserable moan.
Last year the Series a reachable goal,
This year, last place and 12 games in the hole.
Their bats are as flabby as Jell-O congealed,
With pitching you’d find on a Little League field.
Where’s Tulo? He’s hurt, batting .152,
And Brad Hawpe’s bat has a case of the flu,
The offense an orange without any juice–
In a ballpark like Coors, there’s just no excuse.
Their 2007 pitchers a challenging foe,
But two thousand eight is a sick horror show.
Ubaldo Jimenez is just 1 and 6,
Jeff Francis ain’t fooling no one with his tricks.
Kip Wells, Micah Bowie, and–ugh–Glendon Rusch
Just prove that this pitching staff hasn’t got much.
What’s in a year? What will the team do?
I’m sure they’ll get better–in a season or two.
Posted 6/7/08
Dr. Seuss, Meet Brad Hawpe
by James Finn Garner
It’s fun to watch the pitchers gawp
When Brad Hawpe
Comes up to bat,
‘Cuz, just like that,
With one blow,
A scoreless tie becomes 3-0.
So if you want your fans to yawp!
You need a player like Brad Hawpe.
Posted 4/16/08.
Madonna’s Greatest Baseball Hits
By Stuart Shea
I.
Matt Holliday,
Let’s celebrate.
Matt Holliday,
He can hit so nice.
II.
Borderline,
Looks like he’s going to lose his mind
If Jeff Kent keeps striking out
On balls on the borderline.
III.
Cub fans,
The only ones who understand,
They break our heart but we renew…
‘Cause true blue, baby, we love you.
IV.
Some teams chase me, some teams beg me
I think they’re OK,
But if they don’t give ten-year contracts,
I’ll just walk away
They can beg and they can plead
But they can’t make me sign (they whine)
That GM with cold hard cash
Will always bend his spine, he will because we’re
Living in a material game
And I have a material name
You know that we are living in a material game
And I have a material name.
Posted 4/6/08
