Buy More Bonds
Barry Bonds, Barry Bonds,
Won’t someone please buy Barry Bonds?
The burly man-child at 44
Surely can give something more.
While the Rangers could use his mighty bat,
Texas must have a big enough hat.
In Minnesota he could deliver the goods,
And spend days off prowling the woods.
In New York, the powerful media glare
Would show if there’s any personality there.
Washington would enjoy spinning turnstiles,
And be handy for the start of his perjury trial.
It’s time to move to make the playoffs this year.
Come on! He can give SOMEONE a shot in the rear!
Posted 8/18/08
Grandy
by James Finn Garner
Grandy!
No one with a bat is more handy,
With a stance coiled like ribbon candy.
Grandy!
His gait is smooth like aged brandy,
Stretching singles into doubles his modus operandi.
Grandy!
In any outfield, verdant or sandy,
He’ll grab more flies than the Rio Grande.
With five skills at his command, he
Picks up his team like a Starbucks grande.
He could melt the heart of Tristram Shandy.
Man o man, that kid is dandy.
Can’t you tell? I love Grandy!
Posted 8/8/08
Mother, May I Slug the Umpire?
by Anonymous, 1886
Mother, may I slug the umpire,
May I slug him right away?
So he cannot be here, mother,
When the Clubs begin to play?
Let me clasp his throat, dear mother,
In a dear, delightful grip
With one hand, and with the other
Bat him several in the lip.
Let me climb his frame, dear mother,
While the happy people shout;
I’ll not kill him, dearest mother,
I will only knock him out.
Let me mop the ground up, Mother,
With his person, dearest do;
If the ground can stand it, mother,
I don’t see why you can’t, too.
Mother, may I slug the umpire,
Slug him right between the eyes?
If you let me do it, mother,
You shall have the champion prize.
Quoted in Crazy ‘08 by Cait Murphy.
Posted 7/28/08
