A Ballad of Baseball Burdens
by Franklin Pierce Adams
The burden of hard hitting. Slug away
. Like Honus Wagner or like Tyrus Cobb.
Else fandom shouteth: “Who said you could play?
. Back to the jasper league, you minor slob!”
. Swat, hit, connect, line out, get on the job.
Else you shall feel the brunt of fandom’s ire
. Biff, bang it, clout it, hit it on the knob—
This is the end of every fan’s desire.
The burden of good pitching. Curved or straight.
. Or in or out, or haply up or down,
To puzzle him that standeth by the plate,
. To lessen, so to speak, his bat-renoun:
. Like Christy Mathewson or Miner Brown,
So pitch that every man can but admire
. And offer you the freedom of the town—
This is the end of every fan’s desire.
The burden of loud cheering. O the sounds!
. The tumult and the shouting from the throats
Of forty thousand at the Polo Grounds
. Sitting, ay, standing sans their hats and coats.
. A mighty cheer that possibly denotes
That Cub or Pirate fat is in the fire;
. Or, as H. James would say, We’ve got their goats—
This is the end of every fan’s desire.
The burden of a pennant. O the hope,
. The tenuous hope, the hope that’s half a fear,
The lengthy season and the boundless dope,
. And the bromidic; “Wait until next year.”
. O dread disgrace of trailing in the rear,
O Piece of Bunting, flying high and higher
. That next October it shall flutter here:
This is the end of every fan’s desire.
ENVOY
Ah, Fans, let not the Quarry but the Chase
. Be that to which most fondly we aspire!
For us not Stake, but Game; not Goal, but Race—
. THIS is the end of every fan’s desire.
Franklin Pierce Adams was a columnist and prolific doggerelist, best known for “Baseball’s Sad Lexicon (Tinker to Evers to Chance)”. This poem is from his book In Other Words (1912).
Stealing Signs of the Apocalypse
by James Finn Garner
I know our mortal trial’s done
Eternal judgment just beginning
When Verlander walks in two runs
And gives up seven in one inning.
To Go Where No Batter Has Gone Before
by Edmund Conti
A tale of a batter renowned
His exploit will always be known.
While the pitcher was taking the mound,
Our hero struck out on his own.
Pronk
by Hart Seely
Jesus Christ: You like him? Honk!
Lindsay Lohan? Fall-down dronk,
Johnny Rotten: Eighties ponk,
Travis Hafner: Our man Pronk!
Kim Kardashian: Kanye’s bonk,
Paris Hilton: What a skonk!
Oscar winner: Hilary Swonk,
Travis Hafner, New York Yonk.
Star Wars Night in Toledo
by James Finn Garner
While Toledo is not Tattooine,
The ‘Hens might dig snowy Hoth’s scene.
. While you might think it kooky
. To dress like a Wookiee
I’d love to make Chewbacca’s team.
Here’s the story on the Chewy-inspired uniforms that the Toledo Mud Hens will sport this weekend.
