Browse all poems and songs in the 'Pure doggerel' Category


What Vet Should I Get?

by Hart Seely

What vet should I get?
Who doesn’t put me into debt.
A pitcher like A.J. Burnett…
What vet should I get?

A Price would be nice!
I wouldn’t think twice!
I’d certainly bite
If the Price is right.

I could get a Cole Hamels,
For my best Scranton mammals,
Who might be Allan Trammels!
(Plus a carton of Camels.)

I could get a Martin Prado,
For a year’s supply of Play-Doh.
If I got a new Craig Kimbrel,
My bullpen would be downright crim’nal!

I could get Aroldis Chapman,
What would Boston think of THAT, man?
Or I’d settle for Mike Leake,
Though that name has me feeling bleak.

What vet should I get?
And trade a guy we’ll soon forget.
Who won’t become the next George Brett.
What vet should I get?

 

 Hart Seely is head honcho of the indispensable Yankee blog, It Is High, It Is Far, It Is . . . caught. He does not ghostwrite for the estate of Dr. Seuss.



A Challenge for Poets

by Stuart Shea

What the heck rhymes with Kyle Schwarber?

Well, ’60s jazzer Alan Lorber,
And that dancing Greek named Zorber,
And folk singer Steve Forber(t),
And . . .
And . . .

I’m at the bottom of the pail,
And I don’t want him to fail . . .
But his name is odd, I fear,
So he may not have many poems here.

 



“Money Ball” MVP

by the Village Elliott

For Josh Donaldson

“Oh by golly, by gosh,
Why’d Beane have to trade Josh?”
Cried fan who’s an A’s East Bay mourner.
“He belongs with our A’s,
Not up north with the Jays,
There playing Toronto’s hot corner!
Now Josh Donaldson’s the
Presumptive MVP
Of the AL, at least he so plays;
While Beane signs bodies warm,
Without legs, hands or arm,
To play the hot corner for the A’s!”

Reckon my friend forgot
Billy owns part of pot,
Kind of like the Cards and Branch Rickey.*
Deal the A’s made with Beane
When the Red Sox seemed keen,
Suggesting Beane, like Rickey, is “tricky”;
Trading deadline is nigh.
Soon fans might say “goodbye”
To both Scott Kazmir and Sonny Gray,
For I doubt Beane forgot
Like Branch, his piece of pot
Is part of what makes Money Ball pay.

PS: Only took half a day
Till Beane traded away
Scott Kazmir, as we all knew he would,
In return, two unknowns
Causing more A’s fans’ groans,
Knowing these guys are gone if they’re good.
___________________________

* When Branch Rickey and Cards,
Owned by Breadon, were pards,
Branch got a cut of each deal he made;
With his farm system flush,
Rickey deemed it a “rush,”
To sell players so he is well paid.
“The Pious Hypocrite”
In his office would sit,
Trade players, not year late, one early;
Rickey never looked back,
Busy counting his stack.
Others thought him impious and surly.



Bottom of the Charts–All-Star Break Edition

By Stuart Shea

As we pause before the second half,
It’s good to have a little laugh.

Zunino of Seattle is batting like sh**–
With 100 Ks and just 40 hits.
His OBP is the lowest of all,
At .223, he’s slowed to a crawl.

At least he can catch and hit some home runs,
While Omar Infante just ponders what was.
Nearly an all-star despite his bad year,
Hitting .236; there’s no positives here.

You want some odd stats? Billy Ham’s on a spree–
His 44 steals lead all MLB.
But he’s hitting .220 and does nothing else well,
So his OPS trails the entire NL.

The Brewers would love to trade veteran arms,
But Kyle Loshe and Matt Garza have lost all their charms.
ERA’s over 6 and 5.55,
They won’t fetch a scratched copy of “Stayin’ Alive.”

Some other pitchers whose names we all knew
Were expected to win but just haven’t come through.
C.C. Sabathia has learned how to lose,
Like Kyle Kendrick, Rick Porcello, and even Phil Hughes.

Yes, the second half ought to be fun for us snobs,
But not for the guys who are fighting for jobs.



MLB All-Grain-Tuber-and-Legume Team

by James Finn Garner

1B  Bill Bean
2B  Potato Cueto
SS  Oats DeMaestri
3B  Peanuts Lowrey
LF  Zach Wheat
CF  Billy Beane
RF  Sam Rice
C .   Yam Yaryan
LHP  Beany Jacobson, Peanuts Kantlehner
RHP  Lee Wheat, Colter Bean, Goober Zuber
MGR  Johnny Oates

 

 

AL East

NL East

Extra Innings

AL Central

NL Central

Poems by Type

AL West

NL West

Heavy Hitters

Copyright 2007 Bardball.