by Dan Quisenberry
don’t believe that lie
about sticks and stones
words are the strongest weapon
under the sun
it’s words that start wars,
broker the peace
in the beginning was the word
and it was God,
and still is
and if you use the wrong ones
i’ll sock you in the nose
ram your car
and if you use the right words
i will praise you
kiss your face
and long for your company
By Stu Shea
Hey, K.C. fans! Embrace the absurd.
No matter how foolish, it’s your time to be heard!
Vote with your heart instead of your brain–
Instead of Mike Trout, vote Lorenzo Cain!
It’s been so long since the Royals could play,
You’re making a point to the whole U.S.A.
Miggy Cabrera? He ain’t no good.
So just vote for Hosmer–we knew that you would.
And Omar Infante’s the one for you,
Even if he’s hitting .192.
And sure, Alex Rios is on the DL,
And he ain’t that good anyway…but, what the hell!
Click on his name, click all the Royals,
As Western fans grumble and Easterns recoil,
But don’t blame us–we won’t be the goats–
If the A.L. loses on account of your votes.
by James Finn Garner
What’s with those Twinkies?
Didn’t they get the memo
That this season’s just a demo?
That Molitor is too green
And the talent is too lean
To do any better than
Coming in an also-ran?
Now they’re making it a contest
Keeping the Tigers honest,
Nipping the heels of Kansas City
And making the Hose and Tribe look —
well, we don’t talk that way up here, mister.
by Stephen Jones
Yesterday, a kid–Slade Heathcott–
Hit his first big league home run.
In the majors for only a week,
He hadn’t even seen his team win.
But the Yankees put their slide on hold
And waxed KC’S Guthrie but good.
Maybe Steinbrenner’s ghost had paid
The Yankee locker room a visit.
Maybe Slade saw the ghost as well,
Maybe he was just glad to be alive,
Because he smacked a ball over centerfield
And called the experience “surreal”.
By Stuart Shea
Signed to a deal by the Royals–
A chance to retighten my coils.
Given an everyday job,
Replacing that Aoki slob.
Drilled by a rookie in April–
Knocked me on my ass like a vape will.
Out for six to eight weeks,
A delight to those analyst geeks.