Browse all poems and songs in the 'James Finn Garner' Category


Natural Selection for Darwin

by James Finn Garner

Darwin Barney is out of a job
One more part of the unemployed mob
.    To see his kid’s birth
.    He ceded his berth
Now at the playground will hobnob.



All-Star Clerihews #3

By Hugh Encrye

Adam Wainwright
Played the “unwritten rules” right,
Grooved the Captain a pitch to hit,
Then found himself in a world of trouble.

Miguel Cabrera
The greatest hitter of our era.
Pitch the pill behind his back
And still he’ll give that ball a whack.

Mike Trout
Didn’t hit one out,
But a double and a triple
Ain’t kibble.



All-Star Clerihews #2

by Hugh Manatee

Zach Greinke
Is feeling hinky
And regrets his wish
For bottomless Minnesota hot dish.

Hunter Pence
Ended the suspense:
He scares both adults and kids
Cuz he was tragically born without eyelids.

Dellin Betances
Will take his chances,
Gird up his junk-a
And take a dive into Lake Minnetonka.

Derek Jeter
Is a 14-time All-Star repeater
And, if we trust the announcers,
Also invented sliced bread, the Internet and trousers.

Nelson Cruz
Has got nothing to lose.
Though Selig may wince,
He’s gonna show up at the game dressed as Prince



All-Star Clerihews #1

by Hugh Briss

Troy Tulowitzki
Must be throwing fits. He’s
The top vote-getter among NL jocks,
Yet plays for a bottom-feeder like the Rox.

Andrew McCutcheon
Walks around touching
Each and every light switch
Cuz his OCD is just a bitch.

Anthony Rizzo,
That’s a big favor to owe.
You’ll have to deliver, by gawd,
Before they uncover Chicago’s election fraud.

Chase Utley
Needs a course in geography.
Instead of Minnesota,
He booked a flight to North Dakota.

Jose Altuve:
Smooth move, eh?
Spend the week away from Houston,
Maybe get some fishing done.

 



Now Pitching: Glengarry Glen Ross!

by James Finn Garner

Teams have shown over and over
(At least those who ain’t dozing)
If you want to play in October
@#$%!!! Always be closing!

Swing for the fences? Go ahead, then.
Make your double plays — great for posing
If you want to stand among men, friend,
@#$%!!! Always be closing!

Put that coffee down!
Coffee is for closers only!
It takes brass balls to win
Which you ain’t got, not remotely!

Second place is a set of steak knives.
Third place? Your job’s decomposing.
You think you deserve the hot leads?
@#$%! you! Always be closing!!

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