A Character in Any Language
by James Finn Garner
If you hate inane postgame banter
–canned, obsequious, and jock-y–
Then you need to tip your hat ter
The Jays’ Munenori Kawasaki.
With glee he mangles all the blather
–”We came to play,” “Let’s have a look”–
In an accent thick as lather
From his handy battered phrase book.
The talking heads’ condescension
Is clear in their braying bonhomie,
But Mune, in whatever declension,
Will not be deterred by the phonies.
Add to this his pregame stretches
And hapless epileptic boogaloos,
You’ll see fun is back in baseball, betches.
Will someone tell Selig the news?
The Bullpen Grass
by James Finn Garner
Chris Perez and his old lady
Were caught last week in something shady.
The closer, FedEx at the door,
Welcomed a surprising score.
To give himself some legal cover,
The genius had it mailed to Rover.
Does he think one must be baked
To pitch in the Mistake by the Lake?
If Chris wants to invest in stalks, he
Might finagle a trade to the Rockies.
Stealing Signs of the Apocalypse
by James Finn Garner
I know our mortal trial’s done
Eternal judgment just beginning
When Verlander walks in two runs
And gives up seven in one inning.
Blue Jays Way
Jose Reyes breaks his foot
Itzuris fielding with his boot
As Melk and Colby fan the breeze
Our hitters bats are made of cheese
Leafs, don’t be gone, how can the Leafs now be gone?
Leafs, don’t be gone, or make us watch the Jays.
Dickey’s screwball’s hard to hit
A strange rotation’s built on it
Aside from Janssen they all suck
How’s Buerhle worth 12 million bucks?
Leafs, don’t be gone, how can the Leafs now be gone?
Leafs, don’t be gone, or make us watch the Jays.
Now Rogers Centre’s full of jeers
From raucous Gordies sloshing beer
This isn’t how they’re meant to play
But fifth place is where they’ll stay.
Leafs, don’t be gone, how can the Leafs now be gone?
Leafs, don’t be gone, or make us watch the Jays.
Leafs, don’t be gone, how can the Leafs now be gone?
Leafs, don’t be gone
Leafs, don’t be gone, how can the Leafs now be gone?
Leafs, don’t be gone
Leafs, don’t be gone, how can the Leafs now be gone?
Leafs, don’t be gone
Don’t be gone
Don’t be gone
Don’t be gone
Don’t be gone
Star Wars Night in Toledo
by James Finn Garner
While Toledo is not Tattooine,
The ‘Hens might dig snowy Hoth’s scene.
. While you might think it kooky
. To dress like a Wookiee
I’d love to make Chewbacca’s team.
Here’s the story on the Chewy-inspired uniforms that the Toledo Mud Hens will sport this weekend.
