Browse all poems and songs in the 'James Finn Garner' Category

It’s Math Time with Joe Buck!

by James Finn Garner

If you want to learn this game baseball,
Joe Buck is the guy to call.

No matter what your rooting position
He can help you do the addition.

If you yourself couldn’t add the same:
“One homer makes this a five-run game.”

Stumped by three innings times three outs?
“Nine chances left,” the perfesser shouts.

But you might never grasp one call:
Why this putz is employed at all.


Kluber’s Clan

By James Finn Garner

With apologies to Samuel Taylor Coleridge

In Canada did Kluber’s clan
A stately baseball dome lay waste
Where Molson’s had in rivers ran
Through taverns ‘cross the frozen land
.     Now left a sour taste

But once before had Cleveland’s Merritt
Begun a game, yet they could bear it
With Miller near to pull his load
The ball did Crisp and Carlos paste
A gonfalon triumph on the road
And two decades of grief erased.


Behind the Curve

by James Finn Garner

The Cubs had their fill
Of Rich Hill
Losing with every curve
Their nerve
Waving futile flutters
At his cutter
Trying “Not to Suck”
Without luck


Just a Heads-Up

by James Finn Garner

When Kershaw pitches, why show up?
There’s better things to do — wise up!
Hang decorations from your stirrups
Take up pottery and throw a cup
Go to Tindr for quick hookups
Inventory your Dixie cups
Visit a shelter and adopt a pup
Invent a new, no-glute ketchup
Lip-synch “Build Me Up Buttercup”

But don’t take your at-bat. Just give up.


Big Papi’s Final Thoughts

by James Finn Garner

Tell me, has it come to this–
To be outhit by Coco Crisp?
To win outright the AL East,
Then be swept out like autumn leaves?
To watch my teammates flailing madly
And our hurlers piching badly?
Then step out for a curtain call
And have all Fenway watch me bawl?

I know I’ve won three rings, but still–
I’m not quite set to give up the thrill.


AL East

NL East

Extra Innings

AL Central

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AL West

NL West

Heavy Hitters

Copyright 2007 Bardball.