A Ballad of Baseball Burdens
by Franklin Pierce Adams
The burden of hard hitting. Slug away
. Like Honus Wagner or like Tyrus Cobb.
Else fandom shouteth: “Who said you could play?
. Back to the jasper league, you minor slob!”
. Swat, hit, connect, line out, get on the job.
Else you shall feel the brunt of fandom’s ire
. Biff, bang it, clout it, hit it on the knob—
This is the end of every fan’s desire.
The burden of good pitching. Curved or straight.
. Or in or out, or haply up or down,
To puzzle him that standeth by the plate,
. To lessen, so to speak, his bat-renoun:
. Like Christy Mathewson or Miner Brown,
So pitch that every man can but admire
. And offer you the freedom of the town—
This is the end of every fan’s desire.
The burden of loud cheering. O the sounds!
. The tumult and the shouting from the throats
Of forty thousand at the Polo Grounds
. Sitting, ay, standing sans their hats and coats.
. A mighty cheer that possibly denotes
That Cub or Pirate fat is in the fire;
. Or, as H. James would say, We’ve got their goats—
This is the end of every fan’s desire.
The burden of a pennant. O the hope,
. The tenuous hope, the hope that’s half a fear,
The lengthy season and the boundless dope,
. And the bromidic; “Wait until next year.”
. O dread disgrace of trailing in the rear,
O Piece of Bunting, flying high and higher
. That next October it shall flutter here:
This is the end of every fan’s desire.
ENVOY
Ah, Fans, let not the Quarry but the Chase
. Be that to which most fondly we aspire!
For us not Stake, but Game; not Goal, but Race—
. THIS is the end of every fan’s desire.
Franklin Pierce Adams was a columnist and prolific doggerelist, best known for “Baseball’s Sad Lexicon (Tinker to Evers to Chance)”. This poem is from his book In Other Words (1912).
Eye Spy
by Hilary Barta
Across Waveland, they cry they won’t see
The game they now spy on for free
. Greedy Rickett$ need bucks,
. So buy tickets, you schmucks!
You can say it’s an an “eye-balling fee”.
Screen Testy
by Hilary Barta
On Waveland a pic-screen will top it
The neighbors are sick, but can’t stop it
. For their sight-line of sport
. They will fight them in court,
And pray that the Rickett$ will drop it.
Want more Hilary Barta? Who doesn’t? Check out the rest of his limerick output at LimerWrecks.
Limericketts
By Stuart Shea
The Cubs have a tycoon named Ricketts
Who just couldn’t sell enough tickets.
. He threatened he’d leave,
. Which no one can believe–
Who’d build a new park in the stick-ets?
Where in the Paper?
by Cary Donham
Where in the paper do the Cubs belong?
Not in Sports! Oh mama, that would be wrong
With their hapless hitting and wretched bullpen
Any change by Sveum’s just spitting in the wind
Maybe in Business with their leveraged debt
At least Wrigley’s renovation’s now an even bet
Or perhaps in Travel, touting the new Cub hotel?
How about Entertainment with more night games to sell?
I know! Local News about the new Jumbotron signage
Then they can quote the irate neighbors whinage.
But even though the Cubs just broke out their mitts
It looks like this season belongs in the Obits.
