The Eve of Destruction, Yankee-Style
by Hart Seely
The AL East, it is exploding,
Tampa flarin’, Toronto loadin.’
Your stopper is so old, his slider’s floatin’
You don’t believe in waste, yet Vernon Wells you’re totin,’
And even the Captain’s ankle still aint stopped bloatin’…
But you tell me…
Over and over and over again, my friend
We’re not totally whacked…
By A-Rod’s pact…
Of Destruction.
Don’t you understand what I’m tryin’ to say?
Can’t you see the lineup starring Lyle Overbay?
If Robbie tweaks a hammy, there’ll be no one to play,
We’ll have run out of tricks, we’ll be using Jason Nix
Take a look around ya, pal!
It’s bound to scare ya, Hal!
And you tell me
Over and over and over again, my friend
We’re not in the grip…
Of A-Rod’s hip
Reconstruction.
Yeah, my blood’s so mad feels like coagulatin’
I’m sitting here, still Michael Pineda-waitin,’
I’m lookin’ at this team, I see no domination.
Damn Youkilis at third, there is no explanation!
And David Phelps alone can’t save our rotation
When even the Scranton roster is disintegratin’
This whole Cashman death wish thing is just too frustratin!’
And you tell me
Over and over and over again, my friend
We’re not under the wheel
Of A-Rod’s deal…
Of de-struk-shuuuuuuun.
2013 AL East Prediction Haiku
By Stuart Shea
BALTIMORE
The Orioles soared…
Does anyone believe they
Can fly high again?
BOSTON
With no Valentine,
Can the Olde Towne Team win back
Bleeding Boston hearts?
NEW YORK
Old Yankee soldiers
May not die, but do tend to
End up disabled
TAMPA BAY
Rays fans hold out hope
That good pitching can make up
For that weird infield
TORONTO
When blue jays make noise
It signals that something is
Wrong in the forest
“OSHA, Joba. Joba, OSHA.”
by Michael X. Ferraro
Five years ago, ’twas Cleveland gnats
that messed up my mind and heaters.
Call me uptight, but just last night–
the wayward bat of Matt Wieters!
RAAAUUUULLLLL: The Poem
By Hart Seely
First came Bucky, then came Boone,
Then A-Rod vaulted from his swoon,
After that, we played the fool.
Nothing more, and then…
RAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUL!
First there’s Jeter, then comes Mo,
After that, the bar sinks low.
Not much in our talent pool,
That is, unless you count…
RAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUL!
Tino homered, Brosius, too.
Thought the Diamondbacks were through.
Fate, at times, can be so cruel.
But they can’t take away…
RAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULL!
Do the Ichiro!
Do the Ichiro, do the Ichiro!
In his first post-season in Yankee clothes!
Do the Ichiro, do the Ichiro!
He’ll do anything to beat the O’s!
First run around third fast and wide
(Do the Ichiro, do the Ichiro)
Then hunker down like you’re gonna slide
(Do the Ichiro, do the Ichiro)
Then spin out to avoid the tag
(Do the Ichiro, do the Ichiro)
Scoot ’round the plate like a hopped-up crab
(Do the Ichiro, do the Ichiro)
Matt Weiters, you got no chance, mister
(Do the Ichiro, do the Ichiro)
The Ichiro’s part baseball, part Twister!
(Do the Ichiro, do the Ichiro)
Do the Ichiro, do the Ichiro!
Won’t be left on base by his punchless bros!
Do the Ichiro, do the Ichiro!
The Yankees need a ninja or home they go!
