by Andrew Porter
Of Jewish baseball cards, there’s quite a selection,
But I’ve assembled the biggest collection.
And the prideful fans who’d like to see ‘em,
Will love to tour my Baseball Museum.
There’s dozens of tales about every big league Jew,
So I hope not to bore you if I share just a few.
Hank Greenberg was a Tiger, tall with game
And he’s now enshrined in the Hall of Fame.
Today they’d say, “That kid can rake!”
With his 100-plus ribbies at the All-Star Break.
But the hero knew what he was needed for:
He served the longest in the Second World War.
Returning late in ’45 to lift Detroit from a frightful jam,
He clinched the pennant with a walk off grand slam.
And those who know no facts, must surely know Koufax.
Greatest lefty of them all, youngest elected to the Hall.
The Jewish fans screamed at the top of their lungs!
He had four no-hitters and three Cy Young’s.
Two thousand strikeouts and plus some more,
Then skipped the Series on Yom Kippur.
Moe Berg, a ballplayer with nary a flaw.
Princeton undergrad, Columbia Law.
A catcher for the White Sox — the Senators too.
But also a spy during World War II.
He traveled to Germany with orders to kill
And stealthily filmed Tokyo from the top of a hill.
So many other interesting facts abound,
Where these precious baseball cards will soon be found.
Guy Zinn left an indelible mark:
He scored the first run ever at Fenway Park.
And Barney Pelty, the Yiddish Curver, surely tasted whiskey:
He pitched a shutout when they opened Comiskey.
While Sam Nahem read Marx and Engel,
Lefty Weinert beaned Casey Stengel.
Erskine Mayer pitched with grit
Though he served up Wagner’s 3,000th hit.
Al Rosen, third baseman of great renown:
A groundout cost him the Triple Crown.
Bob Tufts and Elliott Maddox both hated to lose.
Both born as gentiles, both played as Jews.
There was Cy Young winner Steven Stone,
Speedy infielder Sammy Bohne,
And Giants second baseman Andy Cohen.
So the lesson to be learned today — promise, there will be no test.
Is that mensches don’t just ride the benches.
They play ball like all the rest.
by James Finn Garner
What’s with those Twinkies?
Didn’t they get the memo
That this season’s just a demo?
That Molitor is too green
And the talent is too lean
To do any better than
Coming in an also-ran?
Now they’re making it a contest
Keeping the Tigers honest,
Nipping the heels of Kansas City
And making the Hose and Tribe look –
well, we don’t talk that way up here, mister.
By David Aretha
The Tigers can hit
And everyone knows it,
Yet it don’t mean a thing
When the bullpen can’t close it.
Detroiters may reign
As kings of the Central,
But they’ll never go farther
When the bullpen is mental.
Valverde chugged water,
Swirled and spit,
And then he’d cough up
The game-winning hit.
Benoit filled in nicely,
But then he got sloppy,
Serving a granny
To the mighty Big Papi.
“We need a sure thing;
Get Nathan, doggone it.”
But his heater ain’t working;
He’s got nothing on it.
Dombrowski’s a genius;
Stole J.D. from the ’Stros,
But because of their bullpen,
They got swept by the O’s.
I’d deal to the Devil
If only he’d trade me
by Stephen Jones
Four-game home streak snapped
Throwback unies didn’t work
Detroit won the game
by James Finn Garner
For the benefit of Mister I
The Tiges will give another try
At a Series ring
In the race four times before
Then they’re always shown the door
Damn, it stings
. But with Cabrera and two Martinez
. The hits should still be raining in Motown
. If God wills, Alex Avila doesn’t get hurt
Yeah, Max Scherzer hit the road
The Nationals can bear that load
(He will be missed)
David Price might have the stuff
But does the bullpen have enough?
Let’s check the list:
. Phil Coke is gone, and Rick Porcello,
. Which leaves Soria, Albuquerque and Nathan
. Climbing higher? Dumpster fire? Who the hell knows?
Castellanos will be there
We’ll marvel at Cespedes’ flair
In center field
Ian Kinsler leaps and spins
Let’s hope Iglesias’ pins
Have really healed
. Twisting the government ’round his fingers
. Is not enough for Detroit’s pizza king
. Which is why Mister I keeps spending his dough….