National League West 2010 Haiku Forecasts
By Stuart Shea
DIAMONDBACKS
Some cacti have more range
Than Conor Jackson in left.
But he can hit some.
.
DODGERS
Poor Jamie McCourt.
All that cash for the players
Where’s her unfair share?
.
GIANTS
A skinny pitcher,
Throwing nothing but BBs
This is his springtime.
.
PADRES
Trade Adrian G?
Better to cut crocuses
Before they blossom.
.
ROCKIES
A sore-armed closer
A thin middle relief corps…
A Street of bad dreams.
Posted 3/30/2010
National League West 2009 Haiku Forecasts
By Stuart Shea
DODGERS
What causes shadows
Gath’ring over Dodgertown?
Oh. It’s Manny’s hair.
DIAMONDBACKS
Risky tightrope walk—
Using Felipe Lopez
As a regular.
GIANTS
If it rained all year
S.F. would avoid losing
100 ballgames.
PADRES
No big stars, no hope
Dark days ahead for the fans
Despite bright Cali skies.
ROCKIES
Jeff Francis’ arm
Wilted like Boston lettuce
Left out far too long.
Posted 3/25/09
2008 NATIONAL LEAGUE THREE-LINE PREVIEWS
By Stuart Shea
ATLANTA
Clean Living,
A Fast Outfield,
And a Chipper Jones.
(With apologies to Vernon “Lefty” Gomez)
ARIZONA
Upton can play,
And he’ll need to, no doubt,
If Eric Byrnes out.
CHICAGO
Sweet Lou wants it understood,
That the newbies—Pie, Soto, and Fukudome—will be good
(Knock on Wood).
CINCINNATI
Votto, Bruce, and Bailey make the Redlegs’ future bright.
But with Dusty in the drivers’ seat,
The Kids Aren’t Alright.
COLORADO
While the defending champs get little respect
And their city’s baseball pedigree is suspect
The Rockies are deep—and better than you’d expect.
FLORIDA
A rotation thinner than loose-leaf paper
And one, maybe two, good hitters to savor?
This could get Uggly.
HOUSTON
They need a Pitching ComeBacke.
A NewBourn Attack…
And Hot Towles!
LOS ANGELES
Many pitchers with questions,
Position player congestion–
By now, one hopes Joe Torre has a remedy for indigestion.
MILWAUKEE
Hardy-Harted Men,
Princes with Braun and wise Counsell,
Just need clean Sheets.
NEW YORK
Health to go with wealth.
Johan and Pedro (not Feliciano)
And, apparently, an Angel in the outfield.
PHILADELPHIA
Rollins, Howard, Utley, Burrell, and Feliz
Will give the Phillies plenty of pow.
But can they hit more homers than their pitchers allow?
PITTSBURGH
Steve will Pearce the outfield soon,
With Nady gone by June,
And Jason up on eBay.
ST. LOUIS
Such teams with little hope need luck,
Albert,
And divine intervention.
SAN DIEGO
An outfield and infield of maybes
Could make Padres’ pitchers sick,
But Buddy Black don’t give a Fick.
SAN FRANCISCO
So the post-Bonds era begins,
And no one expects many wins.
Thank God for the Garlic Fries.
A WASHINGTON HAIKU
Two fat first basemen
Could sink their park into the
Anacostia.
Posted 4/2/08
I’m Ted Lilly, I’ll Be Your Server Tonight
by James Finn Garner
When Ted Lilly
Took the hill, he
Was looking to be the snake charmer,
But the D-Backs hit taters
Like overripe ‘maters,
And poor Ted looked like an amateur farmer.
Posted 10/5/07
For Russ Ortiz
by Jim McLennan
An overweight pitcher named Russ
Made Diamondbacks fans swear and cuss.
Paid eight million to hurl,
He threw like a girl.
We wish he’d fall under a bus.
Posted 8/2/07
