NL Central 2023 Spring Training Forecast Haiku

by Stuart Shea

Chicago Cubs
Inside the outfield,
Autumn dream: A Belli dance.
Will it or won’t it?

Cincinnati Reds
Too many men to
Plow the field and not enough
Men to throw the dirt.

Milwaukee Brewers
Blue and golden hop(e)s,
I thought it was still summer—
Then the brew went flat.

Pittsburgh Pirates
Fording three rivers,
Seedy types in fancy suits
Trawl for cheap assets.

St. Louis Cardinals
Spring rain’s mire will tell
Whether the wheels are still good
Or are falling off.

‘23 is the New ‘69

by Greg Simetz

A Billy goat, black cat, and Bartman with headphones–
Just a few novel ways which Cubs’ seasons have been blown.
Add the Babe’s called shot to the centerfield stands
And a Gatorade glove on Leon Durham’s right hand.

Then in 2016 Cubs’ curses got squished,
108 years of agony all mercifully vanquished.
But curses! A new scourge unleashed in late ‘23
Thwarted hot pursuit of wild-card playoff glory.

Blown saves and gaffes and bats that went dry,
Then Seiya Suzuki misjudged a routine high fly.
(One solution to the team’s most recent imbroglio:
Trade Suzuki to the Cards for pitcher Ernie Broglio.)

So another year ends with a historic choke job,
A lousy ‘69 rerun, where again fans got robbed.
The looney toons finish was just one more sad joke.
What else can be said but, “Th-th-th-th-that’s all folks!”

Casey Hageman

by Michael Ceraolo

When I was pitching in the minors
I threw the pitch that killed Charles Pinkney
I was very much affected by it:
it showed me a baseball career, and even life itself,
isn’t guaranteed to anyone,
and also led me to fight for what I believed in
I pitched little more than an inning
for the Red Sox in 1912 and was ineffective,
so they sent me out to Jersey City
A couple months later Boston wanted to sell me
to a different minor-league team in Denver,
but said I would have to negotiate a new salary
Denver wouldn’t pay me what I was due under my contract;
I said I would accept the lower salary
only if Boston would make up the difference
They refused to do so, and also refused
to let me buy my release,
after first agreeing to let me do so
I refused to report to Denver and,
with the assistance of the Fraternity,
sued for the balance of the salary due me
It took many years, but I finally won,
by which time, through interest and penalties,
the amount I had originally sought
had grown to a considerably larger sum
And that wasn’t my only fight
I got back to the bigs in 1914
and pitched decently but was traded during the season
The second team refused to pay me
the $240 bonus promised in the contract
I again went to the National Commission
and again they ordered the promised payment
Those two challenges were two strikes against me;
baseball didn’t give me a third strike:
I was never again offered a major-league contract
I don’t begrudge the current players:
having to deal with those who run major-league teams,
they earn whatever they get

All-Star Clerihews #3 — Clerihews and the Last Crusade

Marcus Semien
Is happy to be a simian.
Can’t imagine being a cat, a cow or a fish
If a genie gave him three wishes.

Nick Castellanos
Thinks he could totally take Thanos,
Darkseid, Kang, the Joker and Lex
Luthor (hmmm, a superiority complex?).

Camilo Doval
Loves music atonal.
Get him started on Anton Webern
Only if you have time to burn.

Lars Nootbaar
Is buying a root farm,
Gonna grow some carrots, beets, and parsnips.
“Root for my rutabagas!” he quips.

Ground Rule Britannia

by James Finn Garner

I’m not veddy sure what will come
of the Cubs-Cards games in Albion.
It might be a “Pick to Click,” it
Might be a sticky wicket,
Or a hologram of a singing Queen Mum.