Brand New Allegory
by Sid Yiddish
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In November,
When trees become slender
Why is baseball still being played?
We’ve strayed into dangerous territory
A brand new allegory
That sadly cannot be fixed
What we learn,
When there is money to burn
Is not much, to say the least
Just as long as there are hops and yeast added to the mix
A few more tickets to sell
And a couple of hotdogs too
The game could be played well into December,
A month when we traditionally feel the warmth of glowing embers,
But the idea of frostbitten toes and fingers just makes no sense!
I mean, can you imagine Chicago’s Carlos Zambrano in a big gray parka, scarf over mouth while pitching an ice ball straight over the plate, while St Louis’ Mark DeRosa is shivering and shuffles his feet just to keep warm and knocks the ice ball right into the stands, causing fans to slip on ice patches and scuffle over an ice ball, thereby giving frostbite and twisted ankles to several fans in sub-zero temperatures, while both bullpens are warming up with giant bonfires made from Louisville Sluggers?
Well, I can.
But I don’t want to.
And this is why baseball should not go beyond mid-October.
For on Christmas Day, I don’t want some guy say, “Can’t wait for the annual New Year’s Major League Snowball Bash.”
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Posted 11/9/2009
The Ballad of Susan Finkelstein
by James Finn Garner
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The girl had “Phillie Fever”,
A massive fall attack.
The only cure required her
To lay down on her back.
To nab a pair of tickets,
What must a clever girl do?
A “Dirty Utley”? “Around the Lidge”?
A “Hamels Camel” or two?
But the cops horned in, and now her pic’s
Been spread across the nation.
Next time, p’raps, she first should try
Some Manuel stimulation.
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Posted 10/29/2009
Mel Hall (Your Reward Has Just Begun)
by Sid Yiddish
Mel Hall
Thought he knew it all
That big ape
Doesn’t he know that rape carries a fine?
Plenty heavy like his deed
To satisfy his need
45 years is a mighty long time
To think about his crime
Is that what he said to his victim, while helping himself to a piece of the pie?
Back, back, back, hey, hey!
Goodbye!
Some time in the slammer, Mr. Hall
Think you know it all?
Your reward has just begun.
Just begun.
Doing 20 won’t be enough
Just ask the little girl
Whom he thought he could do it with
And get away while stealing
Her innocence.
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Posted 8/3/2009
