Browse all poems and songs in the 'Scandals' Category

Ol’ Ketchup Sock Does It Again

by James Finn Garner

Transphobic remarks
A predictable mark
On the post-game career of Curt Schilling.
Not out of synch
with how this dolt thinks,
But ESPN always proved willing

To give him a pass,
Jock sniff and kiss ass–
Somewhere else, he’d’ve been canned in a trice.
To call his “free” speech
Is a ridiculous reach,
With hate, fear and regression the price.


Waisting One

by Michael X. Ferraro

Pablo wanted to belt the ball
So he took a prodigious hack.
But to his dismay, Sandoval’s belt
Is the thing not coming back.


For the video of this wardrobe malfunction, click here.

Michael’s hilarious football book Circus Catch is available from Amazon now.

Slide, Utley, Slide

by Ember Nickel

To the tune of “Slide, Kelly, Slide”

I played a game of baseball down at old Chavez Ravine
The crowd was intermittent, and the heat was fierce and keen
A nobler lot of people there might have chanced to play
But you would never hear that said from teammates in L.A.
The game was quickly started while I sat on the bench
Waiting for Mattingly to call upon a would-be mensch.
Hernandez drew a walk and then it was my turn to bat,
Eked out a quiet single and there was no need to spat.

Slide, Utley, slide! The fray will never end
Slide, Utley, slide! Your havoc they’ll suspend
If your blows are just too crushing, and you aren’t duly blushing
They won’t take you to Flushing! Slide, Utley, slide!

Twas in the seventh inning they called me in, you’ll find
But once I got to first, moving along was on my mind.
But something was the matter, sure I couldn’t see the ball
But my slide into the base broke down Tejada’s leg and all
I was running down the baseline, I figured that he tripped
For when I tumbled into him, he got severely flipped.
‘Twas a most unpleasant feeling, though at first they called me out;
We both were rattled, and that’s when the fans began to shout;


They overturned the play so to the base I got to go
The way they took Tejada out, it must have been a show.
On Gonzalez then depended the victory or defeat,
And he came through to show the world that we would not be beat.
Five to two was the score of the game when we got done,
But when I got suspended I thought that was much less fun.
The news got home ahead of me, they said I couldn’t play;
The fans told me that I should sue, and then began to say . . .



A Couple of Things to Say To Your Do-Gooder Liberal “Friends” When a Guy in a Game Gets Badly Injured by a Dirty Play

By Stuart Shea

The knockdown pitch is a part of the game.
The occasional fracture the price of the fame.
The late, brutal slide is the way it’s been done!
And watching the pain?—Well, we might find it fun.


First-Time Caller, Long-Time Listener

by James Finn Garner

It’s how it’s done
Gotta play hard
It’s how it’s done
He should’ve watched out
It’s how it’s done
No room for cry-babies
It’s how it’s done
You gotta want to win
It’s how it’s done
It’ll happen again
It’s how it’s done
Glad it’s not my guy


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Copyright 2007 Bardball.