Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Atlanta Braves
Without a weakness—
Except for being human
And, thus, changeable.
Philadelphia Phillies
The leadoff hen lays
Or does not lay; she knows of
No other outcome.
Miami Marlins
One more year, no fish.
Can’t be my cheap bait—no way.
God just detests us.
New York Mets
Ah, spring of Butto!
Lucchesi! Bickford! Megill—
Just not Senga. Ow.
Washington Nationals
Land of limousines,
Riding on retreads: Senzel,
Gallo, and Winker.
“Can’t anyone here play this game?”
Casey asked his forces
Then saw that his team, the Mets
Had become the Metsamorphosis
Six legs are certainly faster
Than the measly two
Six hands perform much better
In keeping balls from getting through
But gripping bats and swinging
Proved to be quite hairy
As no bug could hit no better
Than big ol’ Marv Throneberry.
New York Mets under investigation,
For supposedly stashing fit players
On the injured list (read: paid vacation);
Manfred’s sleuths don Sherlock-style deerslayers.
A major transgression? A petty crime?
An attempt to deprive a neophyte
Of valuable big-league service time?
Was the man’s groin pulled or just kind of tight?
Team owner Steve Cohen, hedge fund tycoon,
Ran afoul of the feds, paid immense fines;
To diehards, he’s promised the stars and moon,
But this fall, Mets news is outside the lines.
To a longtime fan, it’s a small misdeed,
Far worse is somehow blowing every lead.
Dave Kingman would give it his all
Each powerful swing at the ball
But, missing, he’d spin
And, to his chagrin
Would teeter off balance and fall.
Illustration by Jim Siergey
It’s July Sale Days with the New York Mets!
Come on down — it’s as good as it gets!
Robertson, closer (we call him Dave),
So many games for you he’ll save!
Look under the hood of our starter Max,
Good despite mileage, and that’s a fact!
Everybody wants a Tommy Pham!
(Sorry, Chisox, no warranty on hams)
Verlander’s on his second career–
Try for a third? You’ll find him here!
Crazy Billy Eppler’s ready to trade!
Start planning your World Series Parade!
