AL Central 2023 Spring Training Forecast Haiku

By Stuart Shea

Chicago White Sox
Best to seek new park
Before taking the field with
A terrible team.

Cleveland Guardians
An empty cave, just
Like the Guardians’ lineup,
Hasn’t any bats.

Detroit Tigers
Actual prospects,
Bringing April to those who
Want to hope again.

Kansas City Royals
Tethered by contract,
Regardless of performance—
To Witt: 11 years.

Minnesota Twins
By the river live
Siblings united by love
For their baseballists.

Paint Me Something Pretty, Pablo

by James Callan

“Welcome to Miami”
As Will Smith sings
Or sung, in 1997
Back when Ken Griffey Jr. was the best

But now it’s you, Luis
And while you are not Judge
At the plate, you judge better than any other.
You slap the ball around like King Richard, like the Prince of Bel-Air at the Oscars.

Welcome to Miami.
All rise for Arráez.
And Mr. López. Oh, Pablo?
You best be a Picasso on that mound
‘Cause honey, the Twins just parted ways with a diva.
Minnie, she just took a gamble on your fire.

So bring it, Señor López
Paint me a Picasso, Pablo.
And make it prettier than Portrait of Dora Maar
Make it prettier than a nice shiny batting average.
Make some art, Pablo.
Paint me a World Championship.

 

James Callan grew up in Minneapolis. He lives on the Kāpiti Coast, New Zealand and is more than likely the biggest Twins baseball fan in the country. He lives on a small farm with his wife Rachel and his little boy Finn.

 

Old-School Reps

by James Finn Garner

I don’t think the new analytics
Would’ve helped Norm Cash worth a lick
For Killebrew, Mantle,
F. Robby and Randle,
A beer and a cig did the trick.

This Year’s Departures

by James Finn Garner

The season is done, the jocks are stored
Only two teams are left on the board
Let’s pause now, while for Friday we wait,
And salute the retirements of a few greats.

Pujols hit his 700th for the Cards
And now will have time to work on his yard.

Bosox and Cubs champ Jon Lester
Now is an official hammock tester.

Music lover Kurt Suzuki
Can learn the banjo or bouzouki

After the majors, Ádrian González played on
But after this year, A-Gon done gone.

Melky Cabrera, the man and the myth,
Will star in community theater: “The Melkman Cometh.”

And if anyone’s  looking for J.A. Happ,
He’s out on the patio, taking a nap.