Battle of the Bilge
by James Finn Garner
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Chicago’s Crosstown Classic begins,
Will the Cubs or White Sox deliver?
With the Blackhawks back home with the Cup,
These also-rans look like chopped liver.
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Posted 6/11/2010
Nobody’s Perfect (The Armando Galarraga Saga)
by James Finn Garner
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After the call that the umpire blew,
What could Armando Galarraga do?
Drag him to court in front of a judge,
Since now his market value was smudged?
Argue some kind of liberal plot?
Threaten to meet Joyce in the parking lot?
Hire a hit man to mangle his mug?
Break down on “Oprah” to get some O-hugs?
Threaten his wife, kids, brothers and sisters?
Publish his home phone number on Twitter?
Beg ol’ Bud Selig for some Commissioner’s magic?
Hire some flacks for his story so tragic?
Buy off some pols to rewrite the rules?
Sic Milton Bradley on his family jewels?
But Armando showed character larger than fame.
He smiled, shook hands and went on with the game.
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Posted 6/3/2010
More Unwritten Rules of Baseball
by James Finn Garner
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Don’t congratulate a teammate by faking a high five and delivering a hard nad shot.
Don’t talk about racism except in the context of how Jackie Robinson eliminated it.
Rhapsodize about the integrity of the game, but don’t make any big deal about desperately poor Dominican 15-year-olds being drafted by shady agents and advised by “scouts.”
Don’t try and bunt against a pitcher pitching a perfect game unless, you know, you’re trying to help your team score. Like you’re paid to do.
On-field displays of excitement add too much energy and character to the game, and so must be avoided.
Don’t ever criticize a veteran teammate in the media, even when he lets down the squad. Only rookies can be criticized.
Don’t comment on the herd mentality and obsequious jocksniffery of sportswriters.
And however long you play or watch the game….
Don’t expect to like Alex Rodriguez.
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Posted 6/2/2010
Dave Dombrowski, Master Mechanic
by James Finn Garner
Dave Dombrowski does it again,
Trading Jackson and Granderson,
Retooling for a leaner year,
Throwing the Tiges in lower gear,
And after ripping out our hearts,
Replacing them with better parts.
For fixing up the Detroit bench,
Call Dombrowski “Mr. Goodwrench.”
Posted 5/23/10
Dear Alfonso Soriano
by James Finn Garner
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Dear Alfonso, I cannot lie.
You know I’m not that kind of guy.
For I have always had your back,
Even as you whiffed and hacked.
When you swung lumber like a mop
Or broke your foot with your little hop,
I defended you — I DID! –
Saying, “Let the kid just be a kid.”
All the rest demanded skin
But I stood by through thick and thin.
I’ve always been your biggest fan –
But don’t f#@& up like that again!
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Posted 5/14/2010
