Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Giancarlo, when I approached,
Via soft-serve toss of a coach
I foolishly said, “Let’s be friends!”
But instead I now have the bends.
As I rocket o’er Target Field,
McCutcheon gasps and Gordon squealed.
My path now is parabolic
Forget ‘roids– are you bionic?
Mr. Stanton, I hold no grudge.
I’m a baseball, not a judge.
The fans swoon like they’ve seen Kirby
as I leave this Home Run Derby.
Adam Wainwright
Played the “unwritten rules” right,
Grooved the Captain a pitch to hit,
Then found himself in a world of trouble.
Miguel Cabrera
The greatest hitter of our era.
Pitch the pill behind his back
And still he’ll give that ball a whack.
Mike Trout
Didn’t hit one out,
But a double and a triple
Ain’t kibble.
The All-Star Game is happening tonight.
Now, usually I mock this whole parade.
It ought to be exciting, big, and bright,
but TV makes it worse than a charade.
The pageantry is tedious when viewed
on television narrated by hacks
on Fox who, let’s just say, are not imbued
with any grasp of poetry or facts.
But this time, I’ll be there! Up in the stands!
I won’t hear Joe Buck jabber something lame.
No sitcom star close-ups, no gimmick cams.
Just baseball. Pageant, sure, but still, a game!
No mockery from me tonight? We’ll see.
But driven by the game, and not TV.
Zach Greinke
Is feeling hinky
And regrets his wish
For bottomless Minnesota hot dish.
Hunter Pence
Ended the suspense:
He scares both adults and kids
Cuz he was tragically born without eyelids.
Dellin Betances
Will take his chances,
Gird up his junk-a
And take a dive into Lake Minnetonka.
Derek Jeter
Is a 14-time All-Star repeater
And, if we trust the announcers,
Also invented sliced bread, the Internet and trousers.
Nelson Cruz
Has got nothing to lose.
Though Selig may wince,
He’s gonna show up at the game dressed as Prince
Troy Tulowitzki
Must be throwing fits. He’s
The top vote-getter among NL jocks,
Yet plays for a bottom-feeder like the Rox.
Andrew McCutcheon
Walks around touching
Each and every light switch
Cuz his OCD is just a bitch.
Anthony Rizzo,
That’s a big favor to owe.
You’ll have to deliver, by gawd,
Before they uncover Chicago’s election fraud.
Chase Utley
Needs a course in geography.
Instead of Minnesota,
He booked a flight to North Dakota.
Jose Altuve:
Smooth move, eh?
Spend the week away from Houston,
Maybe get some fishing done.