RETURN OF THE MACK
In the first three installments of this satirical short tall tale (links here—Part I, Part II, Part III), the re-animated Philadelphia A’s owner-manager Connie Mack (b.1862- ???) has hitchhiked to Oakland and hired a lawyer to lay claim to his former team. Baseball Commissar Roi Mangled and neglectful A’s owner Joe Fissure were getting mercy-ruled in the PR battle, and it seems that with a flood of GoFundMe dough, Oakland fan groups just might have a toehold on the revolving door vortex that’s been sucking their squads to the desert. Rocky Balboa ain’t got nothing on Connie Mack—he’s the ultimate underdog from six feet under. (illustration: Gary Lucy – IG: @instagarylucy)
FINALE – Part IV:
“What Color Is Your Parachute (Pants)?”
When the “Nightline” camera crew is snickering at your ass, you know that any semblance of dignity has left your building. MLB Commissar Roi Mangled had just been humiliated by an undead icon who pointed out that he shouldn’t be afraid of zombie ownership, since he himself had brought “ghost runners” to the game.
Mangled tried to climb off the canvas and score points by reminding folks that Mr. Mack’s nose had fallen off recently. How could he possibly keep it together as owner, if he couldn’t keep it together, period?
But body-shaming a zombie will get you nowhere, fast. Howard Gumption, the mercurial Oakland lawyer, cut in and said that his client had recently undergone a procedure by celebrity plastic surgeon Brad Chiselder to take care of “that little schnoz issue,” and flippantly added that there were many current owners who might want to upgrade various drooping appendages of their own as well.
Message boards had his back. Fans pointed out that with such a stinky on-field product, maybe Mr. Mack was just being sensorially sensible.
It got to the point where the Oakland players, already surprisingly vocal about their dismay with management’s plans, rose up and took their civil disobedience next level. It was impossible to tell if longtime infielder Stoney Camp planned to rip his pants when he slid into second on a double, but the fact that it revealed green underwear with “Sell” lovingly embroidered on the backside sealed the deal. Plus, it earned him a standing ovation from the Green Moon Odom posse out in left.
But the real capper was in Sunday’s home finale. When closer Tremayne Vork was warming up in the 9th, his usual thunderous rock-and-roll prelude suddenly switched to Johnny Paycheck’s “Take This Job and Shove It.” With that, Vork strode off the mound, unfolding a piece of paper from his back pocket that simply said, “Bye Bye Billionaire!” He moseyed past the protective netting down the right field line, climbed into the stands, and exited the stadium, high-fiving delirious fans on his way out. The “Norma Rae”-meets-Lou Gehrig moment was the sport’s first in-game retirement. Vork later confirmed his decision on a podcast but reiterated that he would happily come back if Mr. Mack was in charge.
Public opinion polls were overwhelmingly in favor of Mr. Mack being able to purchase his team back. The “contract” he’d produced, an agreement scrawled on a cocktail napkin from a Waldorf-Astoria owners’ meeting in the 1950s, seemed to be growing sturdier by the day.
While the grand jury was being seated, cascades of currency flowed into the GoFundMe, eventually landing at over $3 billion, more than double the franchise’s estimated value. Despite it all, owner Joe Fissure, the scion of an acid-washed jeans empire, told the Las Vegas Review-Journal that he had “zero interest in selling the A’s, as they are a treasured folder in my family’s portfolio.”
The very next day, Green Moon Odom had printed out “Treasured Folders” to pass out at the team’s last home series. Zelda Gumption interviewed fans outside the gates for her skyrocketing TikTok account, asking “What’s in your family’s portfolio?” The answers ranged from the vague to the vulgar, but the consensus was clear.
Outright desperation was beginning to buckle the establishment. Fissure’s legal team (paid better than his baseball team) conspired with the Commissar to create as many roadblocks and as much PR confusion as possible. They took out full-page ads and billboards of their own: “Baseball: A Live Sport, for the Living!” and “Don’t Fall for the Con Job!”
They obviously weren’t above a little backroom collusion. The Commissar issued an “official proclamation” that “in good faith, the only way” he would consider recommending a sale to a Connie Mack-led contingent was if “a former high-ranking team official, with ties to the Oakland community, must agree to be part of the management team, to ensure continuity, especially as a contingency in the case of the present owner reverting to his previous, longstanding, and presumed terminal state.” Whilst floating that angle on all the sports talk shows and to the rest of the MLB owners, the Fissure faction, tipped off, of course, was quietly paying “consulting fees” to nearly every qualified previous executive from the Oakland club, except…
They forgot about Hammer.
Bay Area rap superstar MC Hammer, aka Stanley Burrell, had been a teenaged “executive” under the mercurial ownership of Charlie O. Finley, moving up from batboy and clubhouse attendant to “Executive Vice President.” Few knew that, as young Stanley, he had been nicknamed “Hammer” by players for his resemblance to Hammerin’ Hank Aaron. And now, thanks to a timely call from Yammerin’ Ho Gumption, former season ticket holder, he was attached to the Connie Mack team looking to buy back his A’s.
“Apparently, Mr. Mack was too legit to quit this Earth, until justice is served, and the A’s deserve to be back in the rightful hands of the people,” said Hammer at the packed press conference announcing his new post. He brought out a special guest, Oakland rap legend Too $hort, who was holding up a modified “Born to Mack” album cover, with Connie Mack depicted on the hood of a green-and-gold Cadillac.
As they’d rehearsed, Hammer then re-gifted the key to Oakland that he’d been awarded in the early 1990’s to Mr. Mack. “Hey, Mr. Joe Fissure,” said Connie to the cameras, ever the dignified ham. He held the key aloft, with Coco and Miles at his side. “I’ve got three words for you…. Can’t Touch This.”
A mile-long parade slalomed through the streets of Oakland that day, led by Mr. Mack, MC Hammer, former A’s closer Sean Doolittle, and the leaders of Green Moon Odom and the Oakrobats. It culminated at City Hall, where Howard Gumption walked in and helped his client file a D/B/A form for a new corporation called “The People’s A’s.” He did so, he said, in anticipation of a favorable ruling from the courts, and/or acceptance of an offer by Fissure for the club, as Nevada legislators and developers were now exhibiting cold feet in the wake of the Mack phenomenon. Dozens of big-name stars said they wouldn’t play Vegas if the A’s came to town.
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On the last day of the 2023 MLB regular season, Cornelius McGillicuddy astonishingly became the new owner of the Oakland A’s, 69 years after he’d last owned the club. (Fissure had sold for $1.5 billion and a guarantee from MLB that he had the first right to a Vegas expansion club.) Additionally, and unknown at the time, Mr. Mack’s lawyer had recently filled out some other paperwork per his client’s wishes, which came into play just a few weeks later.
While the World Series was kicking off, news came out that Mr. Mack was once again dead. A tearful Coco Gentilly, the team’s freshly appointed VP of Youth Outreach, confirmed it from the front porch of her new home. “The Lord called our sweet Connie a second time. Maybe he didn’t save himself, but he sure as hell saved this team, and saved this city with what he did!”
The team had now officially become The People’s A’s, a publicly owned non-profit to be run by a board of directors including Doolittle, Angela Davis, Boots Riley, the Green Moon Odom and Oakrobatic Republic of Bongos leadership, along with Stephen King, Demetrious Adair and Chuck Gumption. All citizens of Oakland were eligible to buy one share of stock in the team, just like the Green Bay Packers situation.
$1 billion of Mr. Mack’s remaining estate went into a newly created pension plan for the descendants of Negro League players.
New, progressive policies were announced, springing forth from the Heinold Sessions: the A’s would reserve an outfield section for students; offer steep discounts for teachers, nurses, EMTs and BART workers; and most importantly, commencing with the 2024 season, the team would refuse to place a runner on second base to start the 10th inning.
“I bet they still have a ghost of a chance,” Connie allegedly said, moments before tagging up and sliding home one last time.
THE END
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About the Author: Michael X. Ferraro grew up in the Philadelphia suburbs, listening to Harry Kalas and Richie Ashburn. His comedic football novel Circus Catch explores what would happen if a superstar athlete did the unthinkable– and tried to overturn a referee’s call that was in their favor. You can follow him on IG and Twitwhatever @ferrarovision
For “Return of the Mack,” he owes a debt of gratitude to the real-world research and writing of Warren Corbett for The Hardball Times and Connie Mack biographer Norman Macht. Needless to say, he thanks James Finn Garner and the fine @Bardball community. And also, a massive tip of the inspirational cap to Chris Bachelder for his ground-breaking and hilarious novel of re-animation, political extremism and pop culture, U.S.!
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