Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
by Jim Siergey
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The ace on the White Sox, Mark Buehrle
Now hurls like T.V.’s Mr. Furley
Goes into his kick
Then throws like he’s sick
And exits the game rather early.
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Jim Siergey is the author of the Cubs’ sci-fi epic, If They Did It. You can see his illustrations and other work at his website here.
Posted 6/8/10
by Millie Bovich
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When 25 came up to bat,
The crowd erupted — ‘member that?
Then Jackson pulled one from the skies,
A miracle before our eyes.
Twenty-six then took the heat.
Two outs! The fans all on their feet.
So 27 tapped the plate.
The anxious throng could hardly wait.
The hitter nipped an infield ball,
And then the most disputed call.
The runner obviously was out.
The fans began to rant and shout.
Who says the umpire can’t be wrong?
Joyce on first gets baseball’s gong!
Leyland roared in Joyce’s face,
One thundrous “boo” engulfed the place.
A perfect game slipped ‘Mando’s hands.
Deep disappointment filled the stands.
This time an error the ump did make,
Too late admitting his mistake.
Galarraga’s perfect game
Was stolen! What a dirty shame!
The only perfect game to date
Whose batters totaled 28!
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Millie Bovich has been a Detroit Tigers fan for more than eight decades.
Posted 6/4/2010
by James Finn Garner
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After the call that the umpire blew,
What could Armando Galarraga do?
Drag him to court in front of a judge,
Since now his market value was smudged?
Argue some kind of liberal plot?
Threaten to meet Joyce in the parking lot?
Hire a hit man to mangle his mug?
Break down on “Oprah” to get some O-hugs?
Threaten his wife, kids, brothers and sisters?
Publish his home phone number on Twitter?
Beg ol’ Bud Selig for some Commissioner’s magic?
Hire some flacks for his story so tragic?
Buy off some pols to rewrite the rules?
Sic Milton Bradley on his family jewels?
But Armando showed character larger than fame.
He smiled, shook hands and went on with the game.
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Posted 6/3/2010
by Todd Herges
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For those who wish, like me, that airtime were left to just one play-by-play guy and a wise, mostly quiet color man who chooses his interjections carefully,letting the analysts to do their important work silently at home, online
Welcome to WHO Radio, 780 on your BN dial.
We’re here at the ballpark for a game between
the hometown team and that one over there
in the first base dugout.
Tonight’s game features the hard-hitting guys
from a certain breezy burg
and their arch rivals from across the Big Muddy.
It’s bound to be a wild one!
Joining me in the booth is one of the great Masters
of the Obvious and Inconsequential …
Thanks Frank, and yes, it does promise to be a wild one.
Before the night is over we’ll see if a certain someone
can pass the milestone last breached by some guy
in Beantown who wore the number 9.
Yes, that’s right, today Mr. Mendoza has a
chance to finish the year with a batting
average above .400 on days ending in “y”
and beginning with “W”, when a southpaw
gets the start and they’re playing outdoors
on grass at night in a stadium with lights
more than 10 years old, and it’s the second game of
a road trip against a team in their own division.
(Except when he’s not hitting in the eight hole, or – if he is –
then he’s being protected
by a pitcher who has taken two or more yard
each year for the past three seasons.)
It’s interesting to note, on the other side of the plate,
that he has a perfect goose-egg average in at-bats that end with
him striking out, or being struck out. Backward
or forward, it matters not which.
I suppose he wishes they never played any games
on Monday or Friday, or on days beginning with “S” or “T”!
Posted 6/23/10
by James Finn Garner
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Don’t congratulate a teammate by faking a high five and delivering a hard nad shot.
Don’t talk about racism except in the context of how Jackie Robinson eliminated it.
Rhapsodize about the integrity of the game, but don’t make any big deal about desperately poor Dominican 15-year-olds being drafted by shady agents and advised by “scouts.”
Don’t try and bunt against a pitcher pitching a perfect game unless, you know, you’re trying to help your team score. Like you’re paid to do.
On-field displays of excitement add too much energy and character to the game, and so must be avoided.
Don’t ever criticize a veteran teammate in the media, even when he lets down the squad. Only rookies can be criticized.
Don’t comment on the herd mentality and obsequious jocksniffery of sportswriters.
And however long you play or watch the game….
Don’t expect to like Alex Rodriguez.
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Posted 6/2/2010