What Would Barry Do?

By Lou Carlozo

Oh Barry Bonds! Ye baseball god!
Thanks to thy steroid brew.
So brothers, sisters, ask yourselves:
What Would Barry Do?

If asked to take the role of Scrooge
From off the dusty shelf,
Quoth Barry, “Let’s rewrite the script.
Tiny Tim can screw himself.”

If we elect Bonds president,
No press conference, woo hoo!
Just bats for the reporters heads–
Now that takes balls to do!

Should Bonds become a doctor?
Surely he deserves a shot,
And so would all his patients:
“Get the steroids while they’re hot!”

Now Barry’s with Paul Simon,
Off to write a song or two.
“Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?
I wanna beat the shit outta you.”

So sing no song of Ernie Banks,
Al Kaline or Rod Carew–
They hold no light to Barry Bonds
(Not that they’d’ve wanted to).

‘Tis better to remain a class act
On the field, and off it too,
Or break a record honestly,
Something Barry cannot do.

Oh Barry Bonds! Ye baseball chump!
Your case stinks like a zoo.
We’ll change your name to “Bail” Bonds
When the charges stick to you.

Lou Carlozo is a Chicago Tribune staff writer and producer of the syndicated radio baseball talk show “Diamond Gems,” hosted by George Castle and Les Grobstein. He also produced “We’re Not Gonna Change It,” the song that won the Chicago-Sun Times’ contest imploring Sam Zell not to rename Wrigley Field. Hear the song at myspace.com/loucarlozo.

Posted 4/24/08 

One Born Every Minute

by Sid Yiddish

I’ll never puke at home, yessirree,
While watching Fukudome play baseball on TV.
His hitting is sensational, a real superstar in his prime.

It’s just that…well, he plays for the Cubs,
America’s loveable losers, the Major League’s true blue flubs.

And well, I doubt he was brought in just for his ability to hit, no management needs to sell tickets and you can’t sell tickets to a game, if the team plays so lame, so you need to ornamentate the actuality with a little gold lame’.

Just to bring the suckers in…

Yeah, there’s one born every minute.

Posted 4/23/08 

Dr. Seuss, Meet Brad Hawpe

by James Finn Garner

It’s fun to watch the pitchers gawp
When Brad Hawpe
Comes up to bat,

‘Cuz, just like that,
With one blow,
A scoreless tie becomes 3-0.

So if you want your fans to yawp!
You need a player like Brad Hawpe.

Posted 4/16/08. 

4 Tampa Bay Haiku

by Gary Gillette

Tampa Bay Haiku No. 1

In God’s waiting room
The Sea hatches unholy
Bottom-feeding Rays.

Tampa Bay Haiku No. 2

Satanic rays swim
‘Round rev’nue-sharing sinkhole.
Damn Yanks; damn Red Sox.

Tampa Bay Haiku No. 3

Naimoli mantra:
Vinnie, we hardly knew ye.
Gale force storm brewing.

Tampa Bay Haiku No. 4

Even St. Peter
Could not make juice from concrete.
Bayside disaster.

Posted 4/15/08.