Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
by James Finn Garner
The Jays landed simply a smidge above .500.
Their season has strolled by, not thundered.
No highs of joining a pennant race,
No lows of wallowing in last place,
No untoward attention-getting,
No clubhouse brawls, no fretting
About performance enhancers,
No dog fights, gunplay, or nude dancers.
A campaign so nice and proper
Would never face charges of treason.
How very Canadian of the Jays
To enjoy such an adequate season!
Posted 10/11/07Â
A Calypso meditation on playoff loss in three verses and a pliable chorus
By Lou Carlozo
Now manager Lou, he had things to do
(saving his Zambrano for a Sunday!)
Pulled out his hot pitcher, put in a belly-itcher
(saving his Zambrano for a Sunday!)
Now it’s fitting the reliever’s name was Marmol
(saving his Zambrano for a Sunday!)
‘Cause in the playoff pressure-cooker, melt like stove-top car’mel
(saving his Zambrano for a Sunday!)
But Lou’s saving … saving …
Saving his Zambrano for a Sunday!
Get out of the room with your gloom and doom
‘Cause he’s saving his Zambrano for a Sunday!
When the bases are loaded and there’s only out
(saving his Zambrano for a Sunday!)
You don’t swing, DeRosa, with a 3-and-1 count
(saving his Zambrano for a Sunday!)
You kill a big rally with a wimpy double play
(saving his Zambrano for a Sunday!)
And turn Wrigley Field into Confines of Dismay
(saving his Zambrano for a Sunday!)
But we’re saving … saving …
Saving our Zambrano for a Sunday!
When the Cubs come back, we’ll be on the attack
And we’re saving our Zambrano for a Sunday!
But the Cubs got swept and the fans they wept
(saving his Zambrano for a Sunday!)
Bartman’s home laughing and Goat’s curse is kept
(saving his Zambrano for a Sunday!)
Now Carlos runs my errands at the Home Depot
(cause we saved up our Zambrano for a Sunday!)
‘Cause with Wrigley closed, he’s got no place to go
(saving his Zambrano for a Sunday!)
And he’s saving … saving …
Saving his Zambrano for a Sunday!
It’s Cub fan’s zen …
Til next millennium
Saving his Zambrano for a Sunday!
And we’re saving … saving …
Saving our Zambrano for a Sunday!
Saving our Zambrano for that rainy day …
But in baseball when it rains … you just don’t play…
Posted 10/10/07
A tattered scorecard,
A pennant,
An autograph or two.
For most kids that will do as a souvenir from a day at the game.
A double-header; what could be better?
This kid, two to three times the age of your average player, never had a
prayer that she would return home with such a treasure.
It was a foul ball up into the stands.
Grown men ducked, children raised their mitts aloft, but it was I who caught
the ball.
The crowd gave a cheer!
And this kid went home with her souvenir in her purse, and the Cubs beat the
Sox, so what could be worse?
The South against the North.
Oh, how that ball did soar
At this modern-day civil war.
Posted 10/9/07Â
by James Finn Garner
When Ted Lilly
Took the hill, he
Was looking to be the snake charmer,
But the D-Backs hit taters
Like overripe ‘maters,
And poor Ted looked like an amateur farmer.
Posted 10/5/07Â
In spring I do well,
And in June, I excel,
All summer, my output is keen.
When colder it grows,
My uncertainty shows,
And in autumn, I’m one for fourteen.
In April I soar,
Through July, my friends score,
All summer, I’m high as the sky.
Then comes the post,
When I’m needed the most,
And in autumn, not one RBI.
I rumble through June,
And they pay me the moon,
All summer, my teammates show faith.
Then the leaves start to fall,
And my stick becomes small,
And in autumn, they bat me at eighth.
Taken from Hart’s new book, Mother Goose Goes to Washington: Nursery Rhymes for the Political Barnyard, from Simon & Schuster.
Posted 10/3/07.