Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
by Stu Shea
I.
Is there anyone Tiger fans are fonder than
Than Jeremy Bonderman?
Can any Bengal take the ball to left field
Better than Sheffield?
And who’s their best hitter? Everyone says
It’s Mags Ordonez.
Is any pitcher more likely to zoom the ball by ya
Than Joel Zumaya?
II.
But can anyone’s batting average make fans cringe
More than Brandon Inge?
by James Finn Garner
Now, everyone knows it’s legit
When Barry Bonds strokes out a hit.
It ain’t no shot in the rear
With the cream or the clear.
It’ s…genes and….hard work and…like, that shit.
by Jim Powers
Though Bonds swings a bat with great speed,
He calls juice accusations hackneyed.
“What fun is to hit?
I don’t give a shit–
I like sliding on slick shoulders acne’d.”
by Doug White
Barry Bonds wanted so badly
To be just a little more manly
And hit the ball higher
Than Mark fucking McGwire–
Now no one remembers him fondly.
by Lou Carlozo
There once was a hitter named Barry
Who mouthed off at each Tom, Dick and Harry.
No one could explain
Til the steroids made plain
That his brain synapse “bonds” had gone hairy.