Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
By Stuart Shea
CHICAGO WHITE SOX
Will Morel mushroom
into a good third baseman
Or just become waste?
CLEVELAND INDIANS
Um…Jack Hannanan?
In the lineup? At third base?
It’s not April 1.
DETROIT TIGERS
The Tigers, a team
of 25 question marks.
A growl? A meow?
KANSAS CITY ROYALS
Ending up with Jeff
Francoeur…that’s a real bad day
At the rummage sale.
MINNESOTA TWINS
If he keeps winning,
Carl Pavano can look like
A porn star all year.
Zach Grienke’s arm is hinky.
Jake Peavy’s feeling skeevy.
Adam Wainwright’s wing ain’t right.
Rich Harden’s asked for pardon.
Brad Lidge is off a smidge.
That goes ditto for Johnny Cueto.
And an inflamed elbow is causing
Pain for Jason Isringhausen.
Thank God for March,
So these great apes
Have one less month
To fall out of shape.
Oh Nancy, for over 40 summers
You’ve brought music and joy to Chisox fans,
Fingers tripping lightly o’er the keyboard,
Perched in the midst of the Comiskey stands.
So many ballparks used canned music now,
With no more soul than an iPod Shuffle.
Dear Nancy, you’re the sweetheart of the park–
Forgive us if we fight back a sniffle.
Thank you for the Mexican Hat Dance,
A Randy Newman song, a Broadway tune.
Thanks for keeping us all singing along
When the team was 20 games out in June.
Like with hot dogs, beer vendors and popcorn,
Games aren’t complete without your sweet refrains.
This isn’t “Na-Na, Hey-Hey, Goodbye”, it’s
“Auf Wiedersehn”, Nancy, and “Danke Schoen”.
Now we lay us down to sleep.
Who really thought that we could sweep?
We thought we had a chance at Central,
If Ozzie kept from going mental.
God, forgive us of our sins
And tell us why you made the Twins.
Tell us why we let go Thome,
Then brought in that dreadlocked phony.
Thank you for our newfound heroes,
For Edwin Jackson, Alex Rios,
Thank you for our older guard,
Thanks for Paulie going yard.
Please keep the squad from getting creaky.
Make sure A.J. keeps playing sneaky.
Now we’ll watch the Hawks and Bears,
Trying to ignore our fears
Of Kenny really signing Manny
And Ozzie going to Miami.
by James Finn Garner
.
Chicago’s Crosstown Classic begins,
Will the Cubs or White Sox deliver?
With the Blackhawks back home with the Cup,
These also-rans look like chopped liver.
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Posted 6/11/2010