“Hey There, Mark Buehrle”

(A love song inspired by Chicago’s very own Plain White T’s)

by John Renneke

Hey there, Mark Buehrle,
Don’t you go to New York City.
It’s one thousand miles away,
And Mark you throw your curve so pretty,
Yes you do,
Dice-K can’t shine as bright as you,
I swear it’s true,

Hey there, Mark Buehrle,
Don’t you worry about the distance,
We’ll make up the gap in no time,
Like LeBron against the Pistons.
Close your eyes.
Listen to my voice you’ll win the Cy,
And then we’ll cry

Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
What you do to me.

Hey there, Mark Buehrle,
I know sometimes you’re hit hard,
But I believe in you to fight back
Like you do cuz you’re a star,
We’ll have it good,
We’ll beat the Cubs down like we should,
They aren’t that good.

Hey there, Mark Buehrle.
How I love to watch you play,
The way you get the ball and throw it
Whether at home or away.
You give it all,
No matter how far that we fall.

You give it all,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
I know you grew up with the Cards,
but they’ve got Albert and other stars.
The south side’s where you’re loved the most by far.

Your friends may well make fun of you,
but we’ll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way.
Mark Buehrle, I can promise you
That by the time we get through,
The league will never ever be the same,
And you’re to blame.

Hey there, Mark Buehrle,
You be good and don’t be foolish.
Four more years and sixty million,
We’ll get back to making history like we do.
You’ll know it’s all because of you.
You can do whatever you want to.

Hey there, Mark Buehrle, here’s to you,
This ones for you.

Oh sign on the dotted line,
Oh sign on the dotted line,
Oh sign on the dotted line,
Oh sign on the dotted line,
On the dotted line.

7/5/07

White Sox in the Wash

By Stu Shea

 

Sure, they won the World Series just two years ago,

But that’s history, bro.

Get hip!

Chicago is slumping

The media’s dumping

And everyone’s jumping the ship.

The season’s turned into the crumbs of corn chips.

No one’s even surprised

At Guillen’s rude slips of the lip

For his team’s gotten older

And the value of aging, .230-ish sluggers is —  zip.

Shouldn’t someone ring Kenny Williams’ bell?

Inform him, pray tell,

That after two years,

Even good socks can smell?

On Being A.J. Pierzynski

by James Finn Garner

 

Oh, it isn’t easy

Being A.J. Pierzynski.

Not one to appease, he

Is always called sleazy.

 

He’s never mistaken

For Francis Assisi.

He’d start a rhubarb

In a game of Parcheesi.

 

Ozzie will say that

He’ll see him in Hades–he

Then says they’re twins,

Near Siamese-y.

 

Other team’s say his

Play’s pretty cheesy.

If bad vibes were pollen,

The whole league would be sneezy.

 

But to find a smart catcher

Ain’t easy-peasy.

I’d rather hunt crocs on

The River Zambezi.

 

Like being the man

On the flying trapeze-y,

It ain’t never easy

Being A.J. Pierzynski.

Early Buehrle Hurly-Burly

by Stu Shea

While it isn’t the same

As winning a game

From towheaded, cute little leaguers,

To shut down a team

That’s no hitting machine

Remains low on the “difficult” meter.

But no-hit affairs

Are still fairly rare,

Particularly in this age,

So even the Rangers

Who mostly are strangers

Pose putative threats in the cage.

In Mark Buehrle’s big scene

Back on April 18

At windy, chilly U.S. Cell,

He flattened out Texas

Like they were his breakfast

Or apples for William Tell.

Ex-Cubs Sosa, Hairston

And Lofton had no fun

Against Buehrle’s changing of speeds,

And obscuros like Kata,

Cruz, Laird and the remainda

Dropped no base hits into the weeds.

So Buehrle was fitter.

He got his no-hitter,

The AL’s first since Derek Lowe’s,

Bringing him validation

Across our great nation

In expanded post-game highlight shows.

Mike MacDougal

by Stu Shea

 

The Royals were frugal

And traded Mike MacDougal.

Chicago now employs him–

He turns ballgames into kugel.