Ten Little Indians (And Counting)

by James Finn Garner
Ten little Indians–
Contenders every time!
One gets dealt for spending cash,
Now there’s only nine.

Nine little Indians
Playing by the lake.
One’s worth five Dominican catchers.
Now there’s only eight.

Eight little Indians
Hoping they can score.
Half are waived without a claim.
Now there’s only four.

Four little Indians.
At least they have Cliff Lee.
Ooops! Lee’s been swapped to Philly.
Now there’s only three.

Three little Indians
(Not counting Chief Wahoo).
“This is a rebuilding year.”
Now there’s only two.

Two little Indians.
How can they score a run?
One quits to become a fully trained self-employed professional health care technician.
Now there’s only one.

One little Indian.
What an awful pity
If he had to pack his bags
For Oklahoma City.

 Published 8/13/09

Manny Ramirez: When News Isn’t News

by James Finn Garner

.

Erstwhile Dodger savior Manny:
Did we doubt it’d come out like this?
If a story leaked you were a tranny,
The world would maybe feel amiss.

Our revulsion might yet arise
If cameras caught you fondling grannies,
But frankly it’s no big surprise
That juicing’s Manny being Manny.

.

Posted 5/11/09

AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL 2009 HAIKU FORECASTS

By Stuart Shea

WHITE SOX
From dawn to midnight
Glistening sweat beads cover
Guillen’s press spokesmen.

TWINS
Sweet April moonlight
Means “farewell” if the Twins are
Without Joe Mauer.

INDIANS
Each cool autumn
Indians fans get just the
Thin end of the Wedge.

ROYALS
Gold Kansas wheatfields
Yield more each season than
Green fields at Kauffmann.

TIGERS
A solar eclipse
Can’t match the disappearance
Of Dontrelle’s control.

Posted 4/1/09

What Made Milwaukee Famous

Unfortunately
The Indians see
Their destiny.

And obviously
It’s going to be
A white-flag party.

Apparently
They drink C.C.
in Milwaukee.

Posted 7/8/08 

2008 AMERICAN LEAGUE THREE-LINE TEAM PREVIEWS

BALTIMORE

Is it too late to call Cal?
Or even Bob Bonner?
With Hernandez or Fahey, the season’s a goner.

BOSTON

The pitching staff is shot to hell.
With Schilling, Beckett, and Colon unwell,
They’re Dice-rolling at the opening bell.

CHICAGO

Will the Sox get greedy
With Crede?
Watch your back, Ozzie—or, rather, watch Joe’s.

CLEVELAND

It’s time for the talent to show.
And with any luck (please, God)…
Maybe a new logo?

DETROIT

No injury worries—not even a tinge!
When any Tiger feels a twinge,
They’ll call on Brandon Inge.

KANSAS CITY

Tote that Bale, lift that Gload,
Another long year in KC?
Or a renaissance? These kids are beginning to be.

LOS ANGELES

K-Rod,
And Vlad the Impaler,
And a bunch of young pitchers hopping out of a trailer.

MINNESOTA

No cash for Johan or Torii,
But there’s money for Nathan—within reason—
Though he pitches just 70 innings a season.

NEW YORK STATE OF MIND

The Yankees won’t listen to reason!!
They’ll pull out their Wang
To open the season!!

OAKLAND

What’s that sound from the Street?
Is it Foulke music so sweet?
Oh, it’s Rich Harden’s shoulder, grinding like meat.

SEATTLE

Half the team has reached the big three-oh,
And aside from Ichiro,
There’s a lot of “don’t know.”

TAMPA BAY

They sent Longoria to Triple-A
To reduce his service time? Feh!
This franchise is still the pride of Mephistofele.

TEXAS

Trouble children, like Bradley and Hamilton,
And a pitching staff
Of no wheat and all chaff.

TORONTO

Toronto has Coats.
Maybe they’ll avoid
A cold April.

Posted 3/31/08