Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Hunter Pence showed how it’s done
Hitting three times instead of one
Earning a futile “Whazz-muh–?”
From an addled Peter Kozma.
And from the mound, young Matt Cain
Gave the Cards a Giant pain.
The contest called by Buster Posey
Came up smelling like a rosey.
So it’s the Coasts, both West and Third.
No more miracles for the Birds.
Plus, TV watchers praise their luck:
Coitus interruptus for McCarver and Buck.
In the other City by the Bay
(The less pretentious of the pair),
The miracle of the Oakland A’s
Has vanished in the morning air.
The pennant proved a will o’ the wisp
For those crazy upstart sons of bitches,
From goat-hero-goat Coco Crisp
To Jarrod Parker of the wild pitches.
How thrilling they were to fans and strangers,
Their chartreuse die-hards blowing gaskets.
For knocking out the wheezing Rangers,
Detroit should send a nice fruit basket.
Pennants, they showed, are earned, not bought.
If Oakland’s not your next year’s pick,
I’ll leave you with this food for thought:
Cespedes is but 26.
To diagnose the Yankees’ ills,
Don’t sacrifice a gopher
And scan for signs in its entrails —
The problem is the ofers.
Infante was tattooed, not tagged.
The call at second wasn’t kosher
But potential outrage only dragged
Down this lineup full of ofers.
Beyond JV, the Tiges ain’t sound —
Hell, they’re staying with their “closer”! —
But slow-pitch softball might confound
This Murderer’s Row of ofers.
Get ready for a shopping spree
When the season’s mercifully over.
A blind man’s dog throws up to see
This lousy bunch of ofers.
Pitcher Al Alburquerque
With a move some found jerky
Got to “first base” with a ball.
When he nabbed a comebacker
And gave it a wet smacker,
It made all the A’s want to brawl.
Miggy won the Triple Crown; MVP is no debate.
Prince has also put up big while standing at the plate.
J.V. ‘s up for the Cy Young, his second in two years.
Max has been unhittable, and leaves the field to cheers.
Jackson ran the center field, he never left his feet.
Berry couldn’t be thrown out, he just has too much heat.
Avila caught the balls and strikes, with a little help from Laird.
Peralta and Infante: a decent middle once they’re paired.
Valverde heads the bullpen, with Dotel, Benoit and Coke.
When Alburquerque gets brought in, he’s always throwing smoke.
Dirks has come through in the clutch; he’s this year’s big surprise.
The ball has looked a little big in Delmon’s DH eyes.
The team was led by Leyland, the boss, the chief, the skip.
He guided them through every game, McClendon on his hip.
This awesome baseball season has been brought to us by God,
And almost every play I watched this year was called by Mario and Rod.