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Gary Sheffield’s Arms Too Short to Box with God

By James Finn Garner

I can be in the outfield and play every day.
I don’t want to DH.
I don’t feel like a baseball player
when I DH.

I don’t know how to be a leader that I am
from the bench.

I can’t be a vocal leader.
I can’t talk to guys from the bench
because
I don’t feel right about it.

A voice whispers, But you agreed to come to the Tigers knowing you would DH.

I

understood that,

but in my mind
I’m not going to
accept that.

That’s my role,
but I don’t have to
accept it
or
like it.

Taken from quotes in a Boston Globe interview, 8/11/08

Posted 8/25/08 

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Grandy

by James Finn Garner

Grandy!
No one with a bat is more handy,
With a stance coiled like ribbon candy.

Grandy!
His gait is smooth like aged brandy,
Stretching singles into doubles his modus operandi.

Grandy!
In any outfield, verdant or sandy,
He’ll grab more flies than the Rio Grande.
With five skills at his command, he
Picks up his team like a Starbucks grande.
He could melt the heart of Tristram Shandy.
Man o man, that kid is dandy.
Can’t you tell? I love Grandy!

Posted 8/8/08 

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The Tygers

By James Finn Garner

(With abject apologies to William Blake)

Tygers, Tygers, choking bad,
When champeens we thought we had.
What possessed the baseball scribes
To pick you o’er Sox and Tribe?

In Florida, Dombrowski–
Did he smile his work to see?
Aging bats and unproved arms,
With slim pickin’s on the farm.

Why’s Dontrelle in Single A?
Why does Clevlen get to play?
What turned Edgar Renteria
A defense gaffe-eteria?

Who knew, alone, Cabrera
Would revive th’ Dead Ball Era?
Will you become a stalker
If Sheffield gets a walker?

Tygers, Tygers, sucking wind,
We know fate has not been kind.
With Rodney and Zoom-Zoom back–
Watch out! Middle of the pack!

Posted 6/12/08 

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You Never Forget Your First Pitch

by James Finn Garner

Tiger cub Freddy Dolsi’s
First major-league pitch
Was to Manny Ramirez.
(Now, ain’t that a bitch?)

Freddy went down the middle
To show off his heat.
Manny clobbered that apple
Five hundred feet.

The much-touted Tigers
Can’t seem to catch flame
With their pitchers untested,
Senescent or lame.

To young Freddy we wish an
Improved rookie year.
Every guy’s not Ramirez,
But it’s uphill from here.

Posted 5/20/08