Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
by James Finn Garner
For all the times you’ve prayed to me,
Beseeching for a victory–
“Let him strike out,” “We need this hit” –
And clogged my in-box with this stuff,
You choose to hold Opening Day—
Praise be to me—on Good Friday?
People, watch you don’t make me mad,
Or the Tiges will get what the Lions had.
.
Posted 4/9/09.
By Stuart Shea
WHITE SOX
From dawn to midnight
Glistening sweat beads cover
Guillen’s press spokesmen.
TWINS
Sweet April moonlight
Means “farewell” if the Twins are
Without Joe Mauer.
INDIANS
Each cool autumn
Indians fans get just the
Thin end of the Wedge.
ROYALS
Gold Kansas wheatfields
Yield more each season than
Green fields at Kauffmann.
TIGERS
A solar eclipse
Can’t match the disappearance
Of Dontrelle’s control.
Posted 4/1/09
by Millie Bovich
The Tigers too have had their bats
And ended swinging most at gnats.
The second highest paying club,
To no avail – now there’s the rub.
A few guys sparkled in the end,
But still we lose, no winners send
To play in cool October’s fest.
Let’s face it: we’re not close to best.
A perfect park, a host of fans
To yell and cheer, no banging pans
On Woodward Ave to send the clue.
The Tigers knew just what to do.
To win the pennant and beyond,
To win the Series, we’ve been conned.
But wait a minute! What! I hear
We’ll try to do it come next year!
Posted 10/7/08
By James Finn Garner
I can be in the outfield and play every day.
I don’t want to DH.
I don’t feel like a baseball player
when I DH.
I don’t know how to be a leader that I am
from the bench.
I can’t be a vocal leader.
I can’t talk to guys from the bench
because
I don’t feel right about it.
A voice whispers, But you agreed to come to the Tigers knowing you would DH.
I
understood that,
but in my mind
I’m not going to
accept that.
That’s my role,
but I don’t have to
accept it
or
like it.
Taken from quotes in a Boston Globe interview, 8/11/08
Posted 8/25/08
by James Finn Garner
Grandy!
No one with a bat is more handy,
With a stance coiled like ribbon candy.
Grandy!
His gait is smooth like aged brandy,
Stretching singles into doubles his modus operandi.
Grandy!
In any outfield, verdant or sandy,
He’ll grab more flies than the Rio Grande.
With five skills at his command, he
Picks up his team like a Starbucks grande.
He could melt the heart of Tristram Shandy.
Man o man, that kid is dandy.
Can’t you tell? I love Grandy!
Posted 8/8/08