The Tygers

By James Finn Garner

(With abject apologies to William Blake)

Tygers, Tygers, choking bad,
When champeens we thought we had.
What possessed the baseball scribes
To pick you o’er Sox and Tribe?

In Florida, Dombrowski–
Did he smile his work to see?
Aging bats and unproved arms,
With slim pickin’s on the farm.

Why’s Dontrelle in Single A?
Why does Clevlen get to play?
What turned Edgar Renteria
A defense gaffe-eteria?

Who knew, alone, Cabrera
Would revive th’ Dead Ball Era?
Will you become a stalker
If Sheffield gets a walker?

Tygers, Tygers, sucking wind,
We know fate has not been kind.
With Rodney and Zoom-Zoom back–
Watch out! Middle of the pack!

Posted 6/12/08 

You Never Forget Your First Pitch

by James Finn Garner

Tiger cub Freddy Dolsi’s
First major-league pitch
Was to Manny Ramirez.
(Now, ain’t that a bitch?)

Freddy went down the middle
To show off his heat.
Manny clobbered that apple
Five hundred feet.

The much-touted Tigers
Can’t seem to catch flame
With their pitchers untested,
Senescent or lame.

To young Freddy we wish an
Improved rookie year.
Every guy’s not Ramirez,
But it’s uphill from here.

Posted 5/20/08

The Death of the Bleacher Bum

by Gary Gillette

From my mother’s basement I fell into the Friendly Confines,
And I hunched in its bleachers till my beer-soaked hair froze.
Six miles from first place, loosed from its dream of October,
I woke to black caps and the nightmare Sox fans.
When I puked my guts out, they washed them off the seats with a hose.

Paying homage to Randall Jarrell

Posted 5/13/08 

The White Sox’ Rubber Soul

by James Finn Garner

You say your batters can’t swing it?
Their whiffing gives you chills?
I got an old-school remedy for
Fixin’ all your ills.

Take all your Louisville Sluggers,
Arrange ’em in a stack,
Then get set for a mighty hoodoo
(There ain’t no turnin’ back).

Now get yourself some love dolls–
You know the kind I mean,
Those cuties made of polymerized
Isobutylene.

Inflate them gals and set them ’round
Your mighty pile of sticks
And pray for their blow-up blessings
And soon you’ll get your licks.

You’ll feel your eyeballs quicken
And your pencil fill with lead,
And by August your White Sox will be
Twenty games ahead.

But don’t blaspheme the rubber gods
Or disrespect their medicine,
Or they’ll do to you just what they did
To Brian Anderson.

Posted 5/12/08 

I Want to Go Home

By Stuart Shea

Plutocrats were once the Detroit ideal.
Henry Ford and William Briggs
Living high in posh digs
While Ty Cobb rented a house during the season
In a middle-class hood.

When the city started to “change”
And white people moved out,
Somehow it was all the fault of those left behind.
Out of sight, out of mind
For those in Grosse Point and Warren
Who’d come into town a few times a year,
(Of course on Opening Day, where they’d still cheer
For Bunning, Kaline, Cash, Lary,
Willie Horton.)

When the car makers misread the market and made more gas-guzzlers,
One of the puzzlers was apportioning blame
Away from the carpetbaggers, shills, morons, and thieves
And onto the wage-slaves and winos
And others who remained in the city
Without trust funds, mobility,
Pedigree, or nobility.

The Lions upgraded to an oversized Tupperware tub in Pontiac
And the Pistons shuffled to Auburn Hills
But at least the Tigers stayed and played at Michigan and Trumbull
The ballpark half-full
And Ernie Harwell perched above home plate
Telling tales of Sweet Lou and Tram and Senor Smoke
While the city learned to choke on its own exhaust
And the bums sat, cracked and sauced,
In fine brick slums held together by a paste of broken windows and fatherless children.

Now the old ballpark sits, forgotten and overgrown,
Tigers overrun by dandelions.
Structure and seats rusted, torn to chunks,
At the hands of Ilitch raped and scorned,
But mourned
By the lower-level bleacher drunks stuck in hell
And imprisoned by the ghost of Charlie Maxwell.