Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
By Stu Shea
Sure, they won the World Series just two years ago,
But that’s history, bro.
Get hip!
Chicago is slumping
The media’s dumping
And everyone’s jumping the ship.
The season’s turned into the crumbs of corn chips.
No one’s even surprised
At Guillen’s rude slips of the lip
For his team’s gotten older
And the value of aging, .230-ish sluggers is —Â zip.
Shouldn’t someone ring Kenny Williams’ bell?
Inform him, pray tell,
That after two years,
Even good socks can smell?
O give us a home
Where no buffalo roam
Under tarp by the baggie we play,
Where echos are heard
While Punto’s at third,
And at first hear JM say, “Eh.”
Dome, Dome for the deranged,
Why ever play baseball outside?
Fly balls disappear,
and hit speakers we fear.
Those carpet burns sure hurt when you slide.
Published 6/14/07
by John G. Johnson
Verlander
Twenty-seven
Dropped
Posted the day after Justin Verlander’s no-hitter against the Brewers, 6/13/07
by James Finn Garner
I called it years ago.
What I called is
that you’re going to see
more
black faces, but there ain’t no English
going to be
coming out. …
[It’s about]
being able to tell
[Latin players]
what to do —
being able to
control
them.
You might get a guy to do it that way
for a while
because he wants to benefit,
but in the end, he is going to go back
to being
who he is.
And that’s
a person that
you’re going to talk to
with respect,
you’re going to talk to
like a man.
These are the things my race demands.
So, if you’re equally good as this Latin player,
guess who’s going to get sent home?
I know a lot of players
that are home now
can outplay
a lot of these guys.
From an interview in GQ Magazine, June 2007
by James Finn Garner
Oh, it isn’t easy
Being A.J. Pierzynski.
Not one to appease, he
Is always called sleazy.
He’s never mistaken
For Francis Assisi.
He’d start a rhubarb
In a game of Parcheesi.
Ozzie will say that
He’ll see him in Hades–he
Then says they’re twins,
Near Siamese-y.
Other team’s say his
Play’s pretty cheesy.
If bad vibes were pollen,
The whole league would be sneezy.
But to find a smart catcher
Ain’t easy-peasy.
I’d rather hunt crocs on
The River
Like being the man
On the flying trapeze-y,
It ain’t never easy
Being A.J. Pierzynski.