Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
by Hilary Barta
The Cubs and the Sox have done battle
The fans cheered their ‘siders like cattle
.    But the final at bat
.    Felt tiny and flat,
As A.J. gave up the death rattle
Of course you know, Hilary Barta is a world-class illustrator and pens limericks every day over at LimerWrecks, right? C’mon, get your head out of the sand.
From Ozzie, this buzz—
“If my ‘firemen’
give up one more iffy run,
I’ll know it’s because
they’ve been reading
Farenheit 451.”
.
Paul
Hit a ball
Out for his fifth straight day. No Sox
Bat has got six straight days of park-vacating knocks.
Mitch
Also hit a ball out, which
Put things such that his squad won.
No outs–not a pitch (bar 10 and a half prior innings’ worth)–prior to winning run.
Zack
Didn’t lack
For Ks,
Notching 10 against Rays.
Ryan Howard
Is not a coward.
His hit wound up a big inning
So his squad wound up winning.
Brian
Had to start pitching, as Placido and Ryan
Both got hit by a pitch
On back-to-back plays, that inning. At that point, you must switch.
Carl Pavano
Had to go mano-a-mano
With his opposing moundsman. Carl didn’t notch a hit
But as his squad had 8 in as many at-bats, was cool with it.
Justin Smoak
Was part of a ninth-inning croak.
His squad was up by four
But couldn’t shut Washington’s door.
Ember Nickel blogs at Lipogram! Scorecard!
Adam Dunn can’t hit his weight.
In the AL, the DH job
Don’t get done at .168.
A hit man working for the mob
Posting such an average
would end up in a trunk, well plugged.
By even elfin Lillibridge
Is this day-old pot roast outslugged.
With warmer weather, heaven willing,
The Sox’ll wield more potent lumber.
Adam, a tip from TV’s Tom Skilling:
In Chicago, it’s already summer.
Though Alex Rios is glad to see
A “slugger” choking worse than he.
One
of the 10,342 baseball cards in my parents’ attic
sneezes in the dampness, remembers
sweaty hands.
He calls to me across hundreds of miles:
Remember me, Jake Wood, 1964, 2nd base, Detroit Tigers,
Series 2, No. 272?
He wants to stretch his legs, climb out
from between Wilbur Wood and the 4th Series Checklist
wants to outsail all the other cards
in a game of farthies, float down
on Jose Tartabull in a game of tops.
He wants to smell like fresh from the pack
wants to be perfumed again
with the pink smell of bubble gum.
.
Jim Daniels is the Thomas Stockham Baker Professor of English at Carnegie Mellon University, where he has taught creative writing for 30 years.