When a TV Baseball Sportscast Fills Airtime with Chatter

by Stephen Jones

“Robinson Cano is at the plate . . .”

And suddenly the television commentators
start gushing like hushed golf idolaters

with “Oohs & Ahhs!”, mechanics “telestrated”,
picked at, praised, exalted:

head, eyes, hands, legs, torso, knees,
hips combined . . . all his anatomy

& he becomes temporarily
a Colossus of baseball mythology

. . . and all the while I keep hearing
Puck from the dugout saying

“You can observe a lot by just watching”

Fenway Park at Season’s End: Wally the Green Monster

by Rich Bowering

October.  Wally lights a cigarette,
Takes a long drag, stares at the glowing tip.
Sits somewhere in Section 42.  It’s quiet.

He can still hear his mother’s shrill yap:
Don’t have babies with people.
But he did, and that night of unprotected sex

Produced little Jimmy, with greenish skin, who
Hangs his big square head as he walks down the hallway at school,
Half-boy half-mascot.  The shotgun marriage was over

In six months – a freak for mascots, she left Wally for
Dave, the Self-Denying Fish.  Finally settled for (of course)
The Fightin’ Mule, encountered outside a porn trade show.

Jimmy doesn’t want to learn the trade.
But what else will he do? Same attitude as Lobster-Boy’s kid.
Flicking his Lucky Strike, Wally swallows the last of his
Jack Daniels and, groping down the concourse to piss,

Stops to hose down a wall.  No matter.
Minutes later he stumbles across center field, and words bear down
On him like a necklace of tires: Divorced. Absent father. Clown.

Wally knows that mascots are really just rowdy tourists
In the human world, covered with the foreign dust of ball fields:
Green and fuzzy! Spouting macabre caricatures of human heads,
And grotesque limbs! Flashing huge animal claws and teeth!

Looking up at the scoreboard before entering the secret door
And going to bed for the winter, he whips a crowd of pigeons
Into a great frenzy.  One day his son will look in the mirror and see

Behind his own green head the shadows of a thousand human faces
Waiting for his cue.  He will hear in that moment the roar that signifies
Both icon life and icon death.

 

Rich Bowering is the author of Big Fire at Spahn Ranch.

Is Hughes Is or Is Hughes Ain’t My Baby?

by David Bellel

Oh, I got a man that’s tempts the fates
Be still my heart or will it break
But I love him
Yes I hate him

Will batters love to come to plate?
Or be confused by a curve’s late break
Yes I want him
Yeah I intend to dump him
Can someone fix him?

Is Hughes is or is Hughes ain’t my baby?
Well, the way he’s pitching lately, makes me doubt
Hughes was still my baby, baby
Seems like my flame in your heart just gone out

Phil Hughes is a creature
That has always been strange
Just when you’re sure of him
You’ll find that he’s gone and made a change

Is Hughes is or is Hughes ain’t my baby?
Well, maybe Hughes can go to someone new
And we can get another arm much more true

 

Hiroki Kuroda: The Poem

by Hart Seely

From Binghamton to Sarasota
We Yankee fans mix gin with soda.
Chaos, we have reached our quota.
Uncertainty, thy name’s Kuroda.

One day he could strike out Yogi.
Next day, he’s a double-bogey.
Every night, it’s karaoke.
Who is this guy, our boy Hiroki?

Perhaps some wise, old pitching Yoda
Knows why he can’t beat Minnesota,
Then laps the Mets in his Toyota.
Uncertainty, thy name’s Kuroda.

 

Hart Seely’s hilarious new book, The Juju Rules: Or, How to Win Ballgames from Your Couch: A Memoir of a Fan Obsessed, is available now in bookstores and from Amazon.

Rocket on the Docket

by Hilary Barta

On a witness a trial may hinge
When a twit did supply the syringe
In his ass was he juiced,
Giving fastballs a boost?
They acquitted, but my, did they cringe.