Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Wade Meckler has had quite a week
of which he might not rather speak.
Two inside-the-parkers:
Luke Raley’s, Bryce Harper’s
Beat the outfielder at Hide-and-Seek.
Raley’s off-the-railing ricochet jobby six days ago
Harper’s elusive longball last night
Been battered by Boggs and peppered by Pudge.
Dented by Dustin and jarred by A. Judge.
Pounded by Papi and tattooed by ‘Tek.
They call me the Monster, but I ain’t no Shrek.
For 89 years I’ve endured much abuse.
From a diet of line drives, my screws are all loose.
Remodeled by Ripken, mangled by Manny.
Yaz played my caroms, but then spanked my fanny.
My favorite New England season? Winter!
(That’s when I laid low from that Splendid Splinter.)
Was walloped by Winfield, rattled by Rice.
Killebrew concussed me, not once but twice.
Two decades ago, they put seats on my head!
(“Stop playing the martyr,” my therapist said.)
So tall that I fall prey to mid-section shots,
from Boomers and Deweys, to Mookies and Trots.
Some were mere scrapes, yet others… keelhaulings.
But the name I loathe most has got to be “Rawlings.”
Smirky baseballs, too big for their britches,
marking me up with horsehide and stitches.
Well, karma’s a bitch and revenge soothes the soul—
last week against KC, I swallowed one whole.
Do not shrug me off as some iconic feature;
I am a mean, green, most gluttonous creature.
Pay heed, Fenway faithful, the beast’s been unleashed.
The warning track knows that quite soon … I … SHALL … FEAST!
Well that’s something we’ve never seen before. pic.twitter.com/3eFMzCQ3hC
— NESN (@NESN) August 10, 2023
Michael X. Ferraro was the sports editor of Boston University’s award-winning Daily Free Press, which enabled him to ponder the Green Monster on the Fenway grass with the likes of Sam Horn, Marty Barrett, Sparky Anderson, Jim Walewander and Lee Smith. More recently, he is the author of Circus Catch, a satirical sports novel set in the golden age of American Cheating.
Yes, the Braves right now
Are the best team in baseball,
And yes, the Yankees are riding
An historic implosion this season,
And yes [painfully, so painfully
If you’re a Yankee fan],
The three “games” were ugly.
But despite the doom and gloom,
There was a silver lining —
Michael Kay calling the game,
And David Cone and Paul O’Neil
Adding insightful, humorous
Commentary. The trio made this
Downward Yankees’ slide palatable.
The theatrical Yankees skip Boone
Had an act that made the crowds swoon:
Scratch a line in the sand,
Make an “Outta here!” stance,
And the rags say he’s the new Tommy Tune!
When was the last time
rains were this Biblical
Any minute now I’m expecting
two of every animal
to traipse in from the outfield
not a bunch of ballplayers
high-tailing it to the dugout
like they’re eking out an infield hit.
And how irreverent the downpour
splashing over the Green Monster,
slapping against the Pesky Pole,
flooding the pitchers’ mound
where Roger struck out twenty,
the base paths where Fisk danced
his winning jig in ‘75,
even the batter’s box where Ted Williams
swung his devilish lumber
on the way to averaging .400.
Still, it’s early and the Sox are
trailing big time.
So it’s a washout courtesy of the baseball gods.
With any luck,
that 0-6 score will drown.
John Grey is an Australian poet, US resident, and Red Sox fan, recently published in Stand, Washington Square Review and Rathalla Review.