Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
by James Finn Garner
The Tampa Bay Rays are winning–
A shock in the American East!
It should send the turnstiles spinning
and bring in money for feeding the beast.
But the Juice Box is nobody’s favorite.
A new park would strengthen the team.
But who wants to pay for a new one
While the economy loses its steam?
If the pensioners balk at new taxes,
Here’s how to entice them to pay:
Offer cheap seats before five o’clock
With an unlimited Jell-O buffet.
 Posted 7/9/08
by Hart Seely
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord Phil Hughes to keep.
If Wang should die before I wake,
I pray no Cleveland trade we make,
If Boston hears that siren cry,
I pray they land that C.C. guy,
And when they sign him there to stay,
I pray his elbow starts to fray.
But when teams call, O, hear me, Lord,
I pray Montero stays onboard.
And though it’s true we must improve,
I pray that Melky doesn’t move.
And though his outings were not long,
I pray that Ian comes back strong.
I pray no deals we make this night.
Except Igawa… that’s all right.
Posted 7/2/08Â
By Stuart Shea
I.
J.P. Ricciardi, Toronto’s pencil-pushing party,
has a big, big, big, big, mouth.
Adam Dunn’s a hitter (tho J.P. sez he’s a quitter)
And he’s happy hacking homers in the south.
When Ricciardi, on the radio, dissed Dunn to Blue Jay nation,
It came without a thorough explanation.
Canadian guys, from B.C. to P.E.I,
Said, “J.P. must have skipped his medication!”
II.
Now J.P. says the two have talked it all over–
But Dunn says it just isn’t so.
The Jays fired their skipper, but look out, J. The Ripper–
You might be the next one to go.
Posted 6/30/08Â
by James Finn Garner
David Ortiz can now be called
Red white and blue,
An All-American yahoo!
A Back Bay Brahmin,
Green Mountain slammin’,
Star-Spangled-Bannerin’
True Blue All-American!
But it’s safe to say Big Papi
Won’t let you call him a Yankee.
Posted 6/23/08
By Stuart Shea
Has anybody seen my old pal Willie?
Can you tell me where he’s gone?
The Mets are playing badly, and that surely was not planned.
I turned around and he’s canned.
Anybody here seen John McLaren?
Can you tell me where he’s gone?
Even the rats are deserting Seattle’s ship.
And hiring Jim Riggleman ain’t that hip.
Can anybody here find my friend John Gibbons?
Can you tell me where he’s gone?
His GM is a lunatic, and the Jays look awfully tired.
He might be happy to be fired.
Anybody here know who’ll be next dismissed?
Open season on the skippers.
Is it Buddy Black, or Eric Wedge, or maybe Cecil Cooper
Whose career’s going down the pooper?
Posted 6/20/08Â