Posted on

Roger Clemens’ Emotional Distress

by James Finn Garner

Brian McNamee slimed my name,
Slandered my game,
Handed me shame.

I never did the things he said.
He hurt my cred.
**sniff**
Wish I were dead.

Can’t sleep at night, I have bad dreams,
Hear crazy screams,
‘Bout clears and creams.

Next time the two of us cross paths,
I’ll rip him in half
And gnaw on his lats.

Whatever’s left, I’ll chop in bits
And mail t’ his kids,
Mis’rable shits.

I’m warning you, judge, don’t forget:
I was a meek pet
Ere he and I met.

Posted June 3, 2008 

Posted on

Jason and the Golden Thong

by Hart Seely

On days when drives are flying long,
And pitchers wonder what’s gone wrong?
The Bronx winds sing this joyous song:
“Giambi’s in his golden thong!”

Each swing reveals Giambi’s might,
Each wince inspires his mates to fight,
They know too well his painful plight:
One ball hangs left, one ball hangs right.

He leads the veteran team attack,
True courage, he shall never lack!
He eyes the pitch, then takes his whack
As golden threads ascend his crack.

Then comes the time when life turns wrong,
When wins grow short, and losses long,
And Bronx winds sing their saddest song:
“Giambi’s lost his golden thong!”

Hart Seely is the author of the hilarious Mother Goose Goes to Washington, as well as Oh Holy Cow: The Selected Verse of Phil Rizzuto, newly released in a 15th-anniversary edition. He often hangs around the Yankee website, It is High, It is Far, It is….caught, offering tasteful and constructive comments to management and players alike.

Posted 5/21/08. 

Posted on

You Never Forget Your First Pitch

by James Finn Garner

Tiger cub Freddy Dolsi’s
First major-league pitch
Was to Manny Ramirez.
(Now, ain’t that a bitch?)

Freddy went down the middle
To show off his heat.
Manny clobbered that apple
Five hundred feet.

The much-touted Tigers
Can’t seem to catch flame
With their pitchers untested,
Senescent or lame.

To young Freddy we wish an
Improved rookie year.
Every guy’s not Ramirez,
But it’s uphill from here.

Posted 5/20/08

Posted on

Sermon on the First-Place Rays

by James Finn Garner

The first-place Rays?
The Tampa Bay Rays?
Are in first place?
What next? Oy vey!

Will pigs dance plies
As Earth starts to fray?
Or butterflies bray
Like proud dapple grays?
Will roosters now lay
Eggs filled with pate?
Or Felix Pie
Outhit Willie Mays?

Men, count ye the days
Til (the Bible says)
This world is ablaze
in a Doomsday haze!
In previous days
They were Devil Rays.
Deception can pay
In numerous ways.
Oh, kneel down and pray
For a heav’nly stay!
There’ll be hell to pay
For these first-place Rays!

Posted 5/14/08

Posted on

Jorge Posada: A Poem of Love

by Hart Seely

The whole league fears our great armada,
Contenders in each year’s regatta.
But now it’s fear, we got a lotta,
Adrift without Jorge Posada.

We always reach that upper strata
And chase The Biggest Enchilada.
But now we’re hopeless: nothing, nada.
That’s life without Jorge Posada.

Great glory? We shall never win it,
If forced to send out Kelly Stinnett.
There is no chance with Sal Fasano,
If Jorge’s down, like Carl Pavano.

I’d rather use than Mike Piazza
Some cashier from a K Mart plaza,
Our only power would be solar,
If batting sixth we use Chad Moeller.

The fans won’t come to our arena
To watch us with Jose Molina.
Our chances shall be rank and smelly,
The day we sign Doug Mirabelli.

It brings great pain for me to say,
We’re even thin at Triple A.
And we will watch with great dismay,
Until we see our man… Jorge.

Posted 5/6/08

Hart Seely is the author of the hilarious Mother Goose Goes to Washington, as well as Oh Holy Cow: The Selected Verse of Phil Rizzuto, newly released in a 15th-anniversary edition. He often hangs around the Yankee website, It is High, It is Far, It is….caught, offering tasteful and constructive comments to management and players alike.