Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
By Stuart Shea
One little piece of skin,
The size of a child’s little finger,
Can bring a big man down.
The pain will linger
for David Ortiz,
For at least three weeks.
He’s in a cast…geez.
Like a mouse to an elephant,
A torn tendon sheath
Doesn’t sound significant
But to a guy
Who depends on his wrists
It’s a poke in the eye
And a full-arm cast
And a lot of sitting.
How long the pain will last
Is not clear…
But it could go all year.
Posted 6/10/08
by James Finn Garner
Brian McNamee slimed my name,
Slandered my game,
Handed me shame.
I never did the things he said.
He hurt my cred.
**sniff**
Wish I were dead.
Can’t sleep at night, I have bad dreams,
Hear crazy screams,
‘Bout clears and creams.
Next time the two of us cross paths,
I’ll rip him in half
And gnaw on his lats.
Whatever’s left, I’ll chop in bits
And mail t’ his kids,
Mis’rable shits.
I’m warning you, judge, don’t forget:
I was a meek pet
Ere he and I met.
Posted June 3, 2008
On days when drives are flying long,
And pitchers wonder what’s gone wrong?
The Bronx winds sing this joyous song:
“Giambi’s in his golden thong!”
Each swing reveals Giambi’s might,
Each wince inspires his mates to fight,
They know too well his painful plight:
One ball hangs left, one ball hangs right.
He leads the veteran team attack,
True courage, he shall never lack!
He eyes the pitch, then takes his whack
As golden threads ascend his crack.
Then comes the time when life turns wrong,
When wins grow short, and losses long,
And Bronx winds sing their saddest song:
“Giambi’s lost his golden thong!”
Hart Seely is the author of the hilarious Mother Goose Goes to Washington, as well as Oh Holy Cow: The Selected Verse of Phil Rizzuto, newly released in a 15th-anniversary edition. He often hangs around the Yankee website, It is High, It is Far, It is….caught, offering tasteful and constructive comments to management and players alike.
Posted 5/21/08.
by James Finn Garner
Tiger cub Freddy Dolsi’s
First major-league pitch
Was to Manny Ramirez.
(Now, ain’t that a bitch?)
Freddy went down the middle
To show off his heat.
Manny clobbered that apple
Five hundred feet.
The much-touted Tigers
Can’t seem to catch flame
With their pitchers untested,
Senescent or lame.
To young Freddy we wish an
Improved rookie year.
Every guy’s not Ramirez,
But it’s uphill from here.
Posted 5/20/08
by James Finn Garner
The first-place Rays?
The Tampa Bay Rays?
Are in first place?
What next? Oy vey!
Will pigs dance plies
As Earth starts to fray?
Or butterflies bray
Like proud dapple grays?
Will roosters now lay
Eggs filled with pate?
Or Felix Pie
Outhit Willie Mays?
Men, count ye the days
Til (the Bible says)
This world is ablaze
in a Doomsday haze!
In previous days
They were Devil Rays.
Deception can pay
In numerous ways.
Oh, kneel down and pray
For a heav’nly stay!
There’ll be hell to pay
For these first-place Rays!
Posted 5/14/08