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Cashman Oh Cashman

by Doug K

Sung to the tune of “Matchmaker, Matchmaker”

Cashman, oh Cashman
We know Hal is rich…
Find us at last,
Someone to pitch.

Game after game
In late innings it’s blown.
So find us a clo-ser,
… of our own.

For AA…
Make him like Sparky!
For Hoss,
Wetteland’s fastball would be nice.
For me, well, I wouldn’t holler …
A Rivera-like cutter so they swing thrice!

Cashman, oh Cashman
Please go through your book
Because it is time
To give Holmes the hook.

Night after night
We cough up the lead
While you dumpster dive
… out of greed.

CASHMAN:
Fellas, I’ve found him!
Have I got a guy for you
He had thirty saves…
In 1992.
Still, he’s got good stuff. Good stuff.
So nu? He’s due.

His peripherals are amazing
All ground outs. No loft!
We’ll use him once and then…
His arm falls off.

CASHMAN:
Fellas, you’ll love this…
This closer’s been here before.
He sweats like a pig
But he throws 104.

They go straight as an arrow.
His pitches come in true.
They hit them just as fast…
So we’ll turn two!

CASHMAN:
This next one has a temper.
A clubhouse chair he’ll fight…
But only when he’s sober
So we’re alright…

Cashman, oh Cashman
You suck at your job.
Your salary, and our souls you rob.
Do us a favor and quit the team soon…

You can’t make a trade.
Can’t sign a guy.
Can’t draft at all.
Can’t win a ring!

…and take with you Aaron Boone.

This appeared first in the indispensable Yankee blog, It  Is High, It Is Far, It Is ….caught.

 

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How Not to Draw a Walk

By Hilary Barta

Some players are known for their spit
Far fewer for something they writ
This unusual bat
Should have its own stat
And with it the guy got a hit!

Toronto’s Ernie Clement comes prepared for class against the Cubs on August 16, 2024, Players Appreciation Day.

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Brandon’s No Babe, But Shohei What!

by Dr. Rajesh C. Oza

What’s he doing out there
on the pitching mound?
He looks more like a bear
than a throwing hound.

Position players
say their prayers,
when the manager
says, “You’re my reliever.”

Babe Ruth began his career
with a pitch that hitters feared.
But when he traded in his ball,
His bat made him Bunyanesque tall.

When Brandon Crawford pitched
Batters were not bewitched.
He had an astronomical 27.00 ERA.
So what, he wasn’t even batting his weight.

Some say Triple Crown threat Shohei never shoulda
Pitched, even if imitate Cy Young he coulda.
But over a 162-game season,
Let’s have some fun with batting/pitching treason.

Dr. Oza’s novel Double Play sits at the intersection of Ernie Banks’ Cubs, the Negro Leagues, riding the El, wrongful convictions, immigration and friendship. It will be published in October 2024 by Chicago’s Third World Press.

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dear roy

by Ollie Shane

(for Roy Halladay, 1977-2017)

how are you doing
wherever you ended up?
do you still fly above as your son follows in your footsteps
waving at him every so often?
did you ever see your own plaque at our mecca?
maybe you do, but then again
we as fans project our hopes and hard-owned money onto our faves
is it any surprise when we discover they have a daredevil on their shoulder instead of a chip
to motivate their game?

Ollie Shane is the author of the chapbook I Do It So It Feels Like Hell (Bottlecap Press, 2022) and the forthcoming full-length notes from the void (Wild Ink Publishing, 2025). He is also a second-generation Philadelphia Phillies fan all thanks to his beloved grandfather, Vince Tassoni.

 

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Vernon “Lefty” Gomez

by Michael Ceraolo

Unlike Yogi later, I did say everything I said
And while a couple of the details related
might not have been entirely accurate, the substance was
I don’t mind being remembered as a storyteller,
but I sometimes wonder if that was why
the writers never elected me to the Hall of Fame:
because I was more entertaining than they were,
they dismissed how great a pitcher I was