Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Cole Ragans
Believes that pagans
Get a bad rap in the papers
And also happen to be great landscapers.
Josh Naylor
Has a great tailor
Who crafts slacks for travel
That don’t unravel.
Isaac Paredes
Loves eating spiedies,
Burgoo, tamales, chislic, etouffee–
All the regional dishes of the USA.
Carlos Correa
Has nary a
Bad word to say
About the films and good works of Danny Kaye.
The Kenes/Judge first-inning showcase
Was anticipated,
And both the fans and commentators
Were elated
When — bells ringing — it occurred.
But it was a bit of a letdown:
No fireworks — an HR or strikeout —
When the Judge grounded out to third …
And then it was all over too soon.
Rafael Devers
Will never say never
But he’s pretty sure
He wouldn’t go on a gastronomic foraging tour.
Paul Skenes
Mentors awkward teens.
Growing up in California
He too had acne and body dysphoria.
Elly de la Cruz
Has over 400 pairs of shoes
And 75 square meters
Of Odor Eaters.
Alec Bohm.
Wherever he lays his hat is his home.
But wherever he is across the nation,
He digs The Temptations.
Did they tell me how to pitch to Ted Williams?
Sure they did.
It was great advice,
very encouraging.
They said he had no weakness,
won’t swing at a bad ball,
has the best eyes in the business,
and can kill you with one swing.
He won’t hit anything bad,
but don’t give him anything good.
Your favorite athletes move from team to team
The hitters, hurlers, fielders all chase bucks
Old-time fan loyalty is but a dream
As players drive their wealth away in trucks
Free agents’ names and faces give no clue
So raise your voice for the best color scheme
Choose purple, crimson, orange, green or blue
Urge on your favorite sports apparel theme
Or pick the mascot that’s most bold and fierce
The one inclined to slash and slice and slay
With jaws that chomp and bloody claws that pierce
My Tiger dines on fricasseed Blue Jay
What’s more, our park serves only the best ale
No better motive could there be to cheer
And though our squad may flounder, flop and fail
Hip hip hooray! Let’s hear it for our beer!
When you select the club that you’ll support
The nine athletes for whom you’ll choose to root
Ignore the friendly confines of the sport
And contemplate the price in hard-earned loot
The cost is high each time you disembark
So back the team that charges less to park
Tom’s collection of comic verse, Get the Hell to Work, was published by Kelsay Books in 2020.Â