NL Central 2011 Haiku Predictions

By Stuart Shea

CHICAGO CUBS
Oh, Michael Quade—
Lead us up Mt. Zambrano
But slowly, slowly.

CINCINNATI REDS
Aroldis Chapman
Fast as a spring tornado
Wilder than berries.

HOUSTON ASTROS
Blooms on orange tree:
Figueroa? Barmes? Hall?
’nother sour batch.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS
Are you ribbing me?
Zack out for all of April?
I hate basketball.

PITTSBURGH PIRATES
Youth must have its day.
Better that green kids err than
Jeromy Burnitz.

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS
Albert? No Albert?
Rumors expand and contract
About new contracts.

 

Bye, Bye, Berkman

By Stuart Shea (apologies to Dixon-Henderson)

Been an Astro for so long,
Got the gong,
Here’s your song:

Bye, bye, Berkman.

Master of the hard line drive,
You’re 35?
What’s that jive?

Bye, bye, Berkman.

When Ed Wade shipped your contract to the Yankees last July,
You didn’t know it wasn’t “come on back,” but just “goodbye.”

The hourglass is losing sand.
Will you land
In Japan?

Bye, bye, Berkman.

A Clinchmas Story

by Zach Gifford

Twas the night that we clinched, and all through the house
not a creature was stirring (’cept Hunter Pence, that louse).
All the kids and the grownups at GABP
were waiting to see what the inning would be.

When up to the plate strode the mighty Jay Bruce.
And right in that moment, my mind saw the news.
The ’Stros brought a lefty, but Jay Bruce just smirked,
Stepped in to the box, and he went straight to work.

He swung the bat hard, so fast and so quick
That I knew in a moment in the stands it would stick.
He raised both his arms and he ran with a smile,
And Joy rose in Cincy that had been gone for a while.

Marty was happy, and so was son Thom.
Even Jim Day and Pic were enjoying that bomb!
The fireworks, how bright! The crowd, O how merry!
For such a great season, an appropriate cherry.

So thanks Aaron and Bronson, Brandon and Scott.
Thanks Orlando and Joey, the whole stinking lot!
And I heard them exclaim as they rode out of sight:
“Merry Clinchmas to all, and to all a Reds’ night!”

Johnny Rosenblatt

by Todd Herges

An ode to shuttered baseball parks.  For info on Johnny Rosenblatt Stadium, please check the comments thread below.

And here’s to you, Boston’s Fenway Park,
Jesus loves you more than you will know — wo, wo, wo.
God bless you please, windy Wrigley Field,
Heaven holds a place for those who pray.
Hey, you’re all that remain.

We’d like to know a little bit about old stadia,
We’d like to help you keep some memories.
Look around you, all you see are old angelic eyes.
Strolling hallowed grounds of New York’s Polo Grounds.

And here’s to you, Jackie Robinson,
Ebbets Field saw fans who open grew — woo, woo, woo.
God bless you please, Jackie Robinson,
Brooklyn holds a place for those who played
Hey, hey, hey … hey, hey, hey.

Now so many places live where no one ever goes:
Shea, the Vet, Three Rivers and Candlestick.
It’s no shock Olympic Stadium’s no longer used.
Bigger surprise the House Ruth Built is gone now.

Coo, coo, ca-choo, all old stadia
We remember more than you will know — wo, wo, wo.
God bless you please, Houston Astrodome,
We remember Bad News Bears’ clutch play
Hey, hey, hey … hey, hey, hey.

Sitting in the bleachers on a Sunday afternoon,
Going to a big late-season day game.
Laugh about it, shout about it
When you’ve got to choose
Ev’ry way you look at it, you lose.

Where have you gone N. C. Double A
A nation turns its hungry eyes to you — woo, woo, woo.
What’s that you say, President Myles Brand?
Rosenblatt has left and gone away!
Hey, hey, hey … hey, hey, hey.

Posted 9/7/10

National League Central 2010 Haiku Forecasts

by Stuart Shea
.

CUBS
Whither the Starlin?
For now, he makes a nest out west
In loverly Des Moines.
.
CARDINALS
Blah de blah de blah.
Pujols is going to be dealt.
When hell is frozen.
.
ASTROS
Old, boring players,
Mediocre announcers,
Fans that prefer football.
.
BREWERS
A Wolf is Riske,
But worth two in the Bush. Bring
Hoffman a Coffey.
.
PIRATES
I walk in the park
So pretty, green, bright, and lush.
Ugh! The Bucs play here.
.
REDS
Ardolis Chapman.
Good for 200 wins or shoulder problems,
It’s up to Dusty.

.

Posted 3/23/2010