Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Rays are in the basement
Ain’t got the tin to spend
Braves are in a new tent
Paid for by the government
Oakland’s in the same boat
Should they stay? Should they go?
Big pay day’s in San Jose
But for now they’re gonna stay in East Bay
Look out kid
Ya done bin outbid
Owners cry the poor mouth, doin’ it again
Wanna build skyboxes to party with their rich friends
Some day you gotta stop but you don’t know when
Season ticket costs eleven grand, you only got ten . . .
Herb Washington
Designated to run
Not to shake hands
Or kiss baby’s faces
But solely to suit up
And steal some bases
We salute Herb on this other Washington’s birthday: 33 runs scored and 31 stolen bases in 105 games with nary a time at bat!
For the 2016 World Champion Chicago Cubs
Yo, Chief, start Trib’s presses!
Our Extra expresses
Best headline since “Dewey Has Won!”
Lead with, “Cubs Now the Bride
After Hundred-Year Schneid:
Scapegoat Exorcised with Gonfalon.”
Yes, the Cubs exorcised
Longest World Series schneid
With a young team of great destiny,
But it’s happened before,
“Destined” youths win no more,
Team grows old, earns “Not Quite” legacy.
I read: “Said Connie Mack,
When Al Simmons came back
The year after won first bat title:
‘To be true champion
You must win second one,
Defending your title, that’s vital.’
“‘I believe that I shall,’
Replied Bucket-foot Al,
And, indeed, as bat champ, did repeat . . .”
So what Cubbies must do,
Is win Crown Number Two,
Snatching title from series defeat,
Would be “great champion”
If Cubs win second one
By repeating most poetically:
Since in Theo both trust,
Seems to me Cubbies must
Defeat Red Sox to seal Legacy.
Before the Fall gets underway,
Let us doff our caps and say
Goodbye to those who’ll junk their cleats,
Leave the park and walk the streets.
Super-versatile Angel Chone
Will now be the utility man at home.
Grant Balfour, hothead Aussie,
Can only fume when his wife gets bossy.
Phil Humber’s vaunted perfect game
Was his sole stat worth noting (such a shame).
The Prince has trouble with his neck–
He’ll inspire no more fear on-deck.
Tex and A-Rod will leave the Yanks
And all their fans will mumble thanks,
While Raf Soriano has called an end
To tell war stories, a fine fireman.
But let’s not forget the other guys,
Young tyros once, with starry eyes,
Who gave their all but somehow missed
The general manager’s call-up list.
They’re just as key to the game as any
Adam LaRoche or Brad Penny.
Talent, drive and dreams they bid,
Just like us when we were kids.
Billy Beane’s yearly trade deadline sale
Causes A’s fans once more to go pale.
Fans know once they adjust,
And new A’s earn their trust,
Players’re traded next year without fail.