Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
By Stuart Shea
ANGELS
Rich Latino woos
White fans who usually hire
Latino workmen.
ATHLETICS
Moneyball’s sunset
Means the lineup now includes
Kevin Kouzmanoff.
MARINERS
Hey, Jack Z….that nut
That fell off the hitting tree?
He’s your problem now.
RANGERS
Sweet spring robins’ song
May sound suspiciously like
“Neftali Feliz.”
.
Posted 4/20/2010
By Stuart Shea
There was a big game going on in Detroit
To decide the Eastern division champ
But my brother and I were at Comiskey
Where despite the October sunshine
The atmosphere was damp.
I was 24 but even then had an overarching sense
of melancholy.
The last game of a mediocre season?
Perfect fit for me.
The Sox beat the Athletics 5-2.
No big deal; neither team
Was going anywhere but home.
One reason we went is that we knew it would be Reggie Jackson’s last game ever.
So we alternately cheered and booed him.
He got two hits.
When the game ended
Ozzie Guillen threw his glove high in the air
And I hoped that it would never come down.
.
Posted 10/21/2009
By Stuart Shea
ANGELS
Without its K-Rod,
Sun-dappled Orange County
Prepares for a fight.
ATHLETICS
Green-and-gold adorned
Athletes play in stadia
Named for software.
RANGERS
In football country,
The titans of summer’s game
Proceed unnoticed.
MARINERS
Tho Junior returns,
Creaky knees and failing sight,
The M’s will blow chunks.
.
Posted 4/3/09
BALTIMORE
Is it too late to call Cal?
Or even Bob Bonner?
With Hernandez or Fahey, the season’s a goner.
BOSTON
The pitching staff is shot to hell.
With Schilling, Beckett, and Colon unwell,
They’re Dice-rolling at the opening bell.
CHICAGO
Will the Sox get greedy
With Crede?
Watch your back, Ozzie—or, rather, watch Joe’s.
CLEVELAND
It’s time for the talent to show.
And with any luck (please, God)…
Maybe a new logo?
DETROIT
No injury worries—not even a tinge!
When any Tiger feels a twinge,
They’ll call on Brandon Inge.
KANSAS CITY
Tote that Bale, lift that Gload,
Another long year in KC?
Or a renaissance? These kids are beginning to be.
LOS ANGELES
K-Rod,
And Vlad the Impaler,
And a bunch of young pitchers hopping out of a trailer.
MINNESOTA
No cash for Johan or Torii,
But there’s money for Nathan—within reason—
Though he pitches just 70 innings a season.
NEW YORK STATE OF MIND
The Yankees won’t listen to reason!!
They’ll pull out their Wang
To open the season!!
OAKLAND
What’s that sound from the Street?
Is it Foulke music so sweet?
Oh, it’s Rich Harden’s shoulder, grinding like meat.
SEATTLE
Half the team has reached the big three-oh,
And aside from Ichiro,
There’s a lot of “don’t know.”
TAMPA BAY
They sent Longoria to Triple-A
To reduce his service time? Feh!
This franchise is still the pride of Mephistofele.
TEXAS
Trouble children, like Bradley and Hamilton,
And a pitching staff
Of no wheat and all chaff.
TORONTO
Toronto has Coats.
Maybe they’ll avoid
A cold April.
Posted 3/31/08
by James Finn Garner
500
Is such an exquisite digit–
The miles in a Daytona race,
Fortune‘s biggest firms anyplace,
And Fiat’s postwar car-midget.
500
The dingers hit by “Big Hurt” Frank,
Of the sweet stroke and bitter knees,
A-Rod, whipping boy for the Yankees,
And Thome, svelte as a Sherman tank.
500
Their several teams never captured it all.
The sluggers pushed on in good years and bad,
Taking what pleasure there was to be had
In campaigns of .500 ball.
500!
Carved into history like Cy Nostradamus.
As Father Time erodes, hobbles and tames,
That mark will always shine next to these names.
500 cheers for Thome, Rodriguez and Thomas!
Posted 10/16/07