Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
I see you guys in the video room,
just looking at your swings,
reading all these stats.
At some point, you have to just say,
“F— all that s—”
and just go out there and hit.
All I hear is y’all talking about
launch angle
and tendences
and exit velocity.
F—ing exit velocity!?
Motherf—ing exit velocity?!
How about motherf—ing exit hits?!
Houston Astros
Crass-tros, Disas-stros,
Even Garbage-can-smash-stros—
They’re still really good.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Orange County, California
It’s always Disney,
To us, anyway…but now,
No longer Showtime.
Oakland Athletics
Neither here nor there—
Big change only bothers those
Who are not in charge.
Seattle Mariners
Young, strong arms, spring’s joy.
Will Gilbert, Kirby, Miller
Get a “Woo Woo Woo”?
Texas Rangers
Now that we all know
About your autumn harvest,
You’d better watch yourself!
Herb Washington
Designated to run
Not to shake hands
Or kiss baby’s faces
But solely to suit up
And steal some bases.
We salute Herb on this other Washington’s birthday: 33 runs scored and 31 stolen bases in 105 games with nary a time at bat! (A repost from 2017.)
Lost more than he won
But Bruce won when it mattered
Managed October
Zac Gallen was a bureaucrat picking nits,
Denying every hitter a permit.
Eovaldi was a mason on the foundation
That threatened every minute to fall in.
After delays and frustrating slumber
Corey Seager finally brought the lumber.
Semien’s swing closed the door on the thing
And Sborz came on to nail the roof on.
Now old man Bochy can move in his boxes
And make fishing plans with Mike Maddux.
